So sad

I'm dreading writing this post.
We were pregnant and lost our baby. We found out on Tuesday at our twelve week appointment. I can honestly say I've never been more sad in my whole life. Just this morning, I lost it in our bedroom. I went in there to get dressed and found myself in a heap on the floor. The wave of sadness was so great, I started to throw up. I've never felt that physical pain from an emotional hurt before. It hurts bad.
*
There were things about this pregnancy that were off. I was so sick. So sick, I often felt like I was dying, it was beyond pregnancy sickness. My stomach was small. I had tight pants for a week, and then they weren't tight anymore. I'm not that type of pregnant person. I get big and I gain a lot of weight, and this wasn't like that.
*
Tuesday morning I woke up from a sound sleep because of an awful dream. I dreamt that I started bleeding and when I went to my appointment that afternoon, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. When I woke up from the dream, I went to the bathroom making sure that it was only a dream and told Mike when he woke up. I'll never forget that dream.
Our day carried on, Mike went to work. The kids and I were about to start on a project but I had to run and get something out of the basement. It was flooded. I called Mike and he was insistent on coming home. I told him it was up to him but I knew I could take care of it. He came home and he went to my appointment with me and the kids.
*
That's when that awful dream came true. No heartbeat. I've never felt an emotional pain physically hurt until then. Mike lost it in the doctor's office and I lost it out in the parking lot. I feel like I haven't pulled it together since. The pain is so intense and it's just so sad. I find myself longing for heaven in a way I never have before.
I want my baby back.
I don't want to feel this way.
*
Then I have these moments, they happen all the time actually. These moments where I look at Eden and Micah and, although I don't think it's possible, I feel like I love them more.

When they hug me, I pull them in tighter and kiss their head an extra time. Such gifts. Eden fell asleep in my arms last night after I watched her play with a friends baby. I loved seeing my friend, but it made me sad. I wanted her to be playing with our baby in 6 months.
I know that time is really the only thing that can heal this and God is the only one who can comfort.
The God part brings me such peace.
*
The way the whole day went on Tuesday, God totally led Mike home. Mike needed to be here, and He made that happen. I'm blessed. I know I am. God has given me much.
*
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future". Jeremiah 29:11
*
So, we try to move forward. Knowing that I will always carry this sadness and always have that longing for heaven, those thoughts will never leave me.