If you couldn't tell, I didn't feel like writing that last post about "Walkies". I wish I wouldn't have. I know that sometimes in life, I need to do things out of obligation or duty, but a blog post, c'mon. I was just talking with Mike how I wish sometimes my personality didn't come across as strong, and by strong, I mean, I can't hide anything. If I'm not happy, you'd know it, and I feel like a reader could feel it in that last post.
My mind has been dealing and sorting through all of these thoughts that I have. I want to heal so badly and go on my merry, craft making, and room decorating way, but it's not happening like I want it to. None of this is how I wanted it to be.
I went to my mom Bible study this week and one of the ladies was just giving an example of a family member and how she had to keep saying to God "you make the decisions". I'm not sure why, but that brought me such peace. I find myself grabbing at this situation and I keep trying to take it back. I don't know what I think I can do about it, change it? Faith. This whole miscarriage is testing my faith. I need to hand the whole thing over and leave it at Jesus' feet. The. whole. thing.
When I was out the other day, I heard that Plum song with the line "how many times can I say 'God, please take this'", at least I think those are the lyrics. It stuck with me. And that's what I've been trying to do. It sounds so simple and at times so silly, but I know in my heart it's how I need to heal.
I have had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. My brain just can't shut off. I used to find that watching TV at 2a.m. helped with only subtitles, but I can't read them anymore. Must be that I'm aging quicker than I'd like. So I pray. And I visualize. My own little TV in my head, but with words, and quiet music. I ask God to be near me and to wrap His loving arms around me. And I visualize leaving all my brokenness, sadness, and worries in His hands. Letting go, so that joy can be present.
Being a mom has taught me so much. I know I write a lot about the things that my kids teach me on here. It's like living in a different world. But daily, I adore their joy and their transparency. This post is probably more than I'd normally share, but I don't want to be shallow, and I don't want to write posts that don't mean anything to me. This is life. Sometimes it's messy, but it's always beautiful.
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I know this isn't your latest post but I hadn't checked your blog for a while and this post reminded me of a song that gives me hope when I need it. It's called "he has overcome" and I think it's by hillsong. I'll double check and let you know if it's different.
So it's actually called "take heart" by hillsong. I think you'll like it.
thank you sissy, I'll check it out
So good Raelle :) You inspire me to be a better mama everytime I read something from you :)
My heart feels the same Raelle. God has brought me closer to Him, even though I thought I was so close already. Obviously my faith wavered and needed strengthening. He has done that through recent trials. Still having ups and downs, but whenever I say "God, take this", He does and I feel so much peace. Just started following your blog today and am very inspired by your writings...messy and all. :)
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