This past year is nothing short of miraculous. I've been looking back on journal entries and cannot believe the hurdles that I'm now looking back on. Pregnancy, grace, homeschooling, grace, grace, and Ezra, just to sum up a few of the mental milestones.
But of those, homeschooling, has taught me so much. I don't think homeschooling is for everyone and I definitely don't think it's above any other choice. It was something we wanted to try, and wow, am I ever glad we did.
I remember, maybe starting last July, sitting on our loveseat every single night with Mike. I was tired, that was a given with pregnancy, but I was so weary. I was intimidated to start homeschooling, because I felt like I had so much on my plate already. But it's always been something that I wanted to do so badly. And every single night, we would sit, I would be emotional, and then we would pray. Every. Single. Night.
I hope I never forget that.
We prayed for peace, among other things, about the whole decision, and God definitely answered that request.
I've changed a lot. I feel like I'm almost ashamed of my parenting and what it used to be. Or maybe I'm ashamed at what I thought it was. Everything used to be so black and white to me, so straightforward. Not now.
Maybe that seems backwards to some. But everything is so gray to me now, and all that gray, is grace. It's everywhere. And if I treat my kids for one day how my heavenly Father treats me, it's a win. Yes, there is consequenses for disobedience, but it's through love.
I used to hold back, a lot. Just hold my relationships with my kids at an arms length.
And I could see it, from the outside looking in.
Like "I'm your parent, and I can't be your friend right now, because I'm too busy being your parent".
And I just wanted to scream at myself, "life is too short".
I don't hold my love at an arms length anymore, and it's liberating. I used to think that there's no way I could love them any more, and I do. And when I'm so weary and so talked out, and so physically exhausted, and I feel like I can't give any more, that is when grace shows up again.
The most beautiful parenting moments that I have happen when I think I have nothing left to give and I give one big
I'll never forget one day when I was in the midst of learning all of this. Eden was being sassy and I sent her up to her room. I knew I had to teach her what I'd been learning, so I called from the bottom of the stairs for her to come and talk to me. She sassed me again as she came out and I will never forget that moment of feeling "there's no way in the world I can do this". But I prayed. And God led me into one of the most beautiful parenting moments that I've ever had.
She came down and I had a talk with her about what grace was. I told her what she deserved for her actions and we discussed what a suitable punishment should be.
She was somber, but she understood.
Then, I took a pack of skittles out of my pocket and gave them to her.
She looked at me like I as crazy.
And I told her she wasn't going to get the punishment, she was going to get skittles instead.
Great parenting, I know, I know.
She started crying really softly and I knew she understood.
I knew she got it.
Or how Micah decided he wanted to read. So I began working with him on it. He would be sounding out words and look up at me with his big gray eyes and tell me "I'm gonna make you happy."
Oh bud, you have no idea how happy you make me.
I'm still learning, man, am I learning. A lot.
But it's so good, and I'm so glad that I didn't let that last summer of fear get ahold of me.
But I'm more thankful for the peace that God gave us through it all.
Amazing.
