Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

Right now, you're somewhere between North Carolina and home. I hope you're getting close, because I sure do miss you.

Today was kinda quiet. The kids slept a half an hour later than I thought they would this morning and when I went to get Micah out of his crib, he asked for you, of course. I told him you were gone, made some noises like an airplane, and he said again "Daddy, peease". 

Eden asked me all day if you'd tuck her in tonight. Of course, he always does.

Our neighbor and I chatted under the shade of a tree while the kids played. She invited us to go to the German club where they belong. I quickly thought back a month ago, and jumped at the chance. 

It's not always easy for me to say yes, but hard times produce beautiful things. A simple thing like today was a beautiful thing.

Micah was happy as ever digging and dumping little stones into trucks. See how his little knuckles are dimpled? I love those little qualities that are still so baby-like in him. He said "sure" today and is getting more naughty than ever. If Eden even uses tone with him, well, he's ready for combat.

He was so busy at the German club. They had a little playground and he was so happy just playing alone but having me close by. I was sort of worried when we first got there.
He refused to walk. I know how you are with me carrying him with my ankle now, and whew! I was worried. So thankful that our neighbor is creative with words and she coaxed him into walking down this little wooded trail.

I have to tell you, I saw the biggest oak tree there that I've ever seen in my life. It just amazed me. We've got to plant one of those. Maybe in two hundred years our house won't be here or anything else, but if we planted an oak? pretty sure she'd still be standing.

 Eden had a hard time waking up from a nap. I know, it's becoming the norm.
She was so proud of herself that she wrote a perfect "A" today, and so was I. I love her love of learning, it inspires me and at the same time reminds me so much of you.

Yesterday when we went to Culver's, I had the windows down on our drive and the music was turned up. Eden heard the Lumineers song that she loves and smiled one of the biggest smiles that I think I've ever seen. I could see all of her teeth, even the back ones.
After we ate, I let the kids eat custard until they said it was enough. I get so tired of being the rule maker in all things, so I let loose yesterday. Both of them pushed their cups of custard over to me before they could finish. Then today I let Eden eat her cereal with creamer as her milk. She loved it.
Saying yes and bending rules: two things that the kids needed from me since you've been gone. They're things that remind me of you and gives me a better picture of your heart.
I  love you Michael and sure hope you come home soon.
We all  miss you like crazy,
Love, Raelle

Today, I...

had a doctor's appointment and it went very well

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am comparing how wonderful I feel as to five weeks ago after my appointment

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have an obsession with sunshine

can't wait to grill out dinner

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think this blog is headed downhill because of the sunshine outside

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am slightly bummed that I won't be longboarding for the next six weeks

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am still happy

have an problem with butter toffee almonds

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am really irritated that Eden keeps waking Micah up from his naps

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got to spend time alone with Mike

got up before everyone else in the house

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got told by a stranger that I had pretty hair, thank you stranger

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don't want to do laundry or any other inside chore

decided that because the doctor said no to the YMCA, the beach will do just fine for a daily activity

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think dragons may be right on up there with walruses

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got my trumpet vine planted so it can take over the house

went to Stein's and didn't buy anything

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really need to finish weed wacking

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need to get outside right now

Happy happy, joy joy

So.

I was looking through my pictures a few nights ago and I kept seeing a theme.

Simple things, huge smiles.

I'm so thankful for happy (most of the time) kids.

Lately, they love playing together.

I love that too.

Even when they fight and I make them play in separate rooms, they don't last two minutes.

The little slapping matches are annoying at times, but it always works out.

Today I even heard Eden trying to teach Micah a Bible verse after he took something from her.

I was upstairs getting ready, and they both were down.

It was a minute that I smiled, from the inside out.

I've been a lot happier lately too.

I've been spending a lot of time reading the Bible.

Acts.

It talks about how Christians are supposed to act, maybe that's why it's called Acts.

I've also been reading a marriage book.

Simple things, basic things, things that bring me joy.

I am so cynical sometimes when it comes to Christian books, but this one is great. Cheesy at times, but addressing some things that I've never even realized that I do. For example, not telling Mike things first. Even little silly things, I usually tell someone on the phone and this writer talks about how it takes some of the pizazz out of it. No story is ever as good the second time around.

And view your spouse as perfect. This one is hard, duh, because it means you overlook the negative. 

Marriage is such a gift, and if we let it, such a blessing, and a million other nouns and adjectives too.

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Often at the end of the day I think of my favorite moment.

This may be sappy, but it's the extra long kisses from Mike that are often my favorite.

Even more than this:

Could she be any cuter?

She quit napping.

I knew it was coming.

She still has a quiet time where she reads books or does whatever in her room.

Today, that expanded to the bathroom.

Yeah.

She came downstairs, saw me around the corner and tried to run back up the stairs.

I caught her with my words "Eden, come snuggle", because she can never resist.

She came to me and laid in my lap.

I looked at her glistening face, yeah, glistening with my makeup. 

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After Eden's fun quiet time, we painted our toes and let them dry in the sun.

Beautiful day, beautiful day.

Little buds

Contentment

Dear Eden and Micah,
The past couple of months have been hard for me. Physically, I'm not up to speed and spiritually, it's been a battle. The physical part isn't really that hard to wrap my head around, but the spiritual, it's hard to deal with your shortcomings.

I couldn't avoid it any longer. I knew I had a heart issue. I've been dealing with not being content. It's sort of a hard thing to admit. Pride, I guess, but like I said, it's hard to admit when you're wrong.

It's also hard to get to the root of the problem. To clean out all the grime out of your heart and get deep. See, when I know something's not right in my life, I have so many coping mechanisms. I run to do house projects, or make something cute, shop, be mindless and go online, talk on the phone, watch movies, I could go on and on. There's so many things I do when I know that I just need God. God is more than enough.

Sometimes, and so often I try to fill my God hole in my heart with anything but Him.

Even this morning, I knew what I really needed was God, but I read to you instead and picked up a bit. After that, I couldn't avoid the gap any longer. Eden,you sat with me when I read Psalms 73 over and over and quietly went and got your own book. I don't know if I've ever read something more fitting:
"But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
They have no struggles;
Their bodies are healthy and strong."

Whoah! I think being humbled lately has taken me down a slippery slope. Of comparing myself, my worth, and what I have to offer. It's led me to compare myself in ways that are unfair and unjust. It seems so filthy really.

I have an abundance of blessings. You two, for example, are incredible. You're healthy, you're fun, and so incredibly lovable. And your daddy, I don't think there could be anyone so amazing. He's the most selfless person, and his love is so pure. I have a lot. And I have God.

God in Himself is enough, but he's given me you and daddy, which is more than I'd have ever imagined.

I'm not perfect, and like I've told you before, I'll never claim to know it all. I'm far from having arrived. But, I do know this: God is enough. With that knowledge, I can be the mommy that I was meant to be. I can be content, knowing that I have more than enough. Way, way more than enough.
I love you more than anything,

Love, Mommy

It's not Friday

My brain is getting back in gear here, starting new projects and leaving them out for days, setting my sights and goals much too high for what will ever be accomplished. I like it.

I keep thinking it's Friday night, it's not.

I did get a tree planted yesterday, and my back got sunburned. I know, sunburn equals bad, but I liked it because I used after sun lotion and I smelled like I'd been at the beach. To top it off, I used sea salt hair spray in my hair this morning. Yum.

I know I'm getting back to normal because my cooking is atrocious. Mike was nice tonight and told me it was good. He also told me I can't drink beer when I cut the lawn.

These pictures made me laugh:

I promise, they're not insane. They just look it, and it makes me laugh.

Today, I cleaned out all the kids clothes that are too small out of their closets and dressers. Whew, I didn't think it'd be such a job. With Eden's clothes, well, I had to sneak out a few things that are all I see lately. No, Micah's pants in the above picture are not too short, I think they're long shorts or something.

I found this picture of Eden on my computer today

It reminds me of this picture

Anyway, I'm annoyed at how long this computer is taking to upload pictures. So, no more for this post.

I'm addicted to Starbursts. I love how they taste, but I think I love more how they make my breath smell. I always used to do that as a kid, cup my hand over my mouth and blow. Sometimes I still try it.

Decision time

So, It's been almost two months since my ankle surgery, and I've made some decisions.

Often people ask me how I'm doing or how I've been, and nearly every time, I resist an impulsive urge to run to that person, hug 'em, and tell them my heart. Tell them that I'm hurting and I'm afraid that pain is taking over my life because it invades my thoughts. Tell them that my body feels old, you'd have to be me to understand, but I just don't feel right. My other ankle is starting to go, my wrist is killing me, I could go on, but I won't.

Today I went and picked up a patio set from a craigslist sale. The lady did exactly what I wanted to do, except she had a better reason. Her husband just died, and she sobbed when she was telling me. She told me that she still uses his cell phone because it has his voice on the voice mail, and she drives his truck because it smells like him. Man, I felt small and stupid. Pain, pfffft.

Selfish, me. So I've made some decisions.
Feet first, I'm back. I've sat on the sidelines for the past two months, dealing with depressing thoughts about my future, and taken a back seat from being myself. They coach you about what surgery will be like, but they never tell you the psychological battle that you'll face after. It's exhausting, and I think that's why.

I decided today that I can't have the negativity. My life and heart can't deal that way. When I'm the mom that I'm normally, my kids adore me, head over heels. Not to brag, but I can be a blast. I love to have fun. Not just with them, teaching them dance moves, pretending I don't hear them jumping on the beds upstairs for sake of their joy, relishing the little tiny moments, but with myself. Hello longboarding this summer.

Trying to teach Micah how to blow bubbles, or learn more of the words to "Old McDonald", watching him copy every single action Eden does verbatim, or his love for snacks, those are the things that I want to focus on.

Listening to Eden narrate herself: "No thank you, she exclaimed" (she really does say that), or giving her the independence that she craves, trying to love princesses for her sake, and doing my best to get lost in fairy tales with her, that's what I want.

I'll never be a mom to who can't relate to the hardships of motherhood. Those moms are my latest pet peeve. Tell me you think it's easy or that you have it all figured out, I won't like you. I'm not phony, and I'll never say that I've arrived. I will keep striving to, but until then, it's decision time.

Deciding to stay in the game, be immature for fun's sake, and be me. And of course those small decisions too, like letting Eden decide if we listen to The Lumineers or Greg Laswell (she'd pick Lumineers any day), or reading the same exact truck book over fifty times to Micah, those are the little decisions that I'm excited about too.

So thankful that I talked to Jesus last night about it all. My heart feels full, and I think I'll hold onto Eden's quote today for a while: "Today's a really good day, isn't it".