Decision time

So, It's been almost two months since my ankle surgery, and I've made some decisions.

Often people ask me how I'm doing or how I've been, and nearly every time, I resist an impulsive urge to run to that person, hug 'em, and tell them my heart. Tell them that I'm hurting and I'm afraid that pain is taking over my life because it invades my thoughts. Tell them that my body feels old, you'd have to be me to understand, but I just don't feel right. My other ankle is starting to go, my wrist is killing me, I could go on, but I won't.

Today I went and picked up a patio set from a craigslist sale. The lady did exactly what I wanted to do, except she had a better reason. Her husband just died, and she sobbed when she was telling me. She told me that she still uses his cell phone because it has his voice on the voice mail, and she drives his truck because it smells like him. Man, I felt small and stupid. Pain, pfffft.

Selfish, me. So I've made some decisions.
Feet first, I'm back. I've sat on the sidelines for the past two months, dealing with depressing thoughts about my future, and taken a back seat from being myself. They coach you about what surgery will be like, but they never tell you the psychological battle that you'll face after. It's exhausting, and I think that's why.

I decided today that I can't have the negativity. My life and heart can't deal that way. When I'm the mom that I'm normally, my kids adore me, head over heels. Not to brag, but I can be a blast. I love to have fun. Not just with them, teaching them dance moves, pretending I don't hear them jumping on the beds upstairs for sake of their joy, relishing the little tiny moments, but with myself. Hello longboarding this summer.

Trying to teach Micah how to blow bubbles, or learn more of the words to "Old McDonald", watching him copy every single action Eden does verbatim, or his love for snacks, those are the things that I want to focus on.

Listening to Eden narrate herself: "No thank you, she exclaimed" (she really does say that), or giving her the independence that she craves, trying to love princesses for her sake, and doing my best to get lost in fairy tales with her, that's what I want.

I'll never be a mom to who can't relate to the hardships of motherhood. Those moms are my latest pet peeve. Tell me you think it's easy or that you have it all figured out, I won't like you. I'm not phony, and I'll never say that I've arrived. I will keep striving to, but until then, it's decision time.

Deciding to stay in the game, be immature for fun's sake, and be me. And of course those small decisions too, like letting Eden decide if we listen to The Lumineers or Greg Laswell (she'd pick Lumineers any day), or reading the same exact truck book over fifty times to Micah, those are the little decisions that I'm excited about too.

So thankful that I talked to Jesus last night about it all. My heart feels full, and I think I'll hold onto Eden's quote today for a while: "Today's a really good day, isn't it".