6 months already

I can't believe my baby's six months old today.

I say it nearly everyday to Mike, the old saying: the days are long, the years are short.

I remember the day of his birth like it happened an hour ago.

 And the transition that Ezra made into our family was beautiful. 

There is really no other way to put it.

 He is absolutely adored by Eden and Micah.

And he's never in need of attention, I love that.

 Eden changes diapers frequently, and Micah just learned how last

week. It's not something I ask of them, mind you, it's all them.

 My little family, so in love with each one of them, and so thankful to God for the gift they are.

 Ezra is such a journey. Here he is six months old, yet his journey began almost two years ago. A miracle, absolute miracle.

Love you so much baby.

The year that changed everything...for the better

This past year is nothing short of miraculous. I've been looking back on journal entries and cannot believe the hurdles that I'm now looking back on. Pregnancy, grace, homeschooling, grace, grace, and Ezra, just to sum up a few of the mental milestones.

But of those, homeschooling, has taught me so much. I don't think homeschooling is for everyone and I definitely don't think it's above any other choice. It was something we wanted to try, and wow, am I ever glad we did. 

 I remember, maybe starting last July, sitting on our loveseat every single night with Mike. I was tired, that was a given with pregnancy, but I was so weary. I was intimidated to start homeschooling, because I felt like I had so much on my plate already. But it's always been something that I wanted to do so badly. And every single night, we would sit, I would be emotional, and then we would pray. Every. Single. Night. 

 I hope I never forget that.

We prayed for peace, among other things, about the whole decision, and God definitely answered that request.

I've changed a lot. I feel like I'm almost ashamed of my parenting and what it used to be. Or maybe I'm ashamed at what I thought it was. Everything used to be so black and white to me, so straightforward. Not now.

Maybe that seems backwards to some. But everything is so gray to me now, and all that gray, is grace. It's everywhere. And if I treat my kids for one day how my heavenly Father treats me, it's a win. Yes, there is consequenses for disobedience, but it's through love.

I used to hold back, a lot. Just hold my relationships with my kids at an arms length.

And I could see it, from the outside looking in.
Like "I'm your parent, and I can't be your friend right now, because I'm too busy being your parent".

And I just wanted to scream at myself, "life is too short".

I don't hold my love at an arms length anymore, and it's liberating. I used to think that there's no way I could love them any more, and I do. And when I'm so weary and so talked out, and so physically exhausted, and I feel like I can't give any more, that is when grace shows up again.

The most beautiful parenting moments that I have happen when I think I have nothing left to give and I give one big 

I'll never forget one day when I was in the midst of learning all of this. Eden was being sassy and I sent her up to her room. I knew I had to teach her what I'd been learning, so I called from the bottom of the stairs for her to come and talk to me. She sassed me again as she came out and I will never forget that moment of feeling "there's no way in the world I can do this". But I prayed. And God led me into one of the most beautiful parenting moments that I've ever had.

She came down and I had a talk with her about what grace was. I told her what she deserved for her actions and we discussed what a suitable punishment should be.

She was somber, but she understood.

Then, I took a pack of skittles out of my pocket and gave them to her.

She looked at me like I as crazy.

And I told her she wasn't going to get the punishment, she was going to get skittles instead.

Great parenting, I know, I know.

She started crying really softly and I knew she understood.

I knew she got it.

 Or how Micah decided he wanted to read. So I began working with him on it. He would be sounding out words and look up at me with his big gray eyes and tell me "I'm gonna make you happy."
Oh bud, you have no idea how happy you make me.

I'm still learning, man, am I learning. A lot.

But it's so good, and I'm so glad that I didn't let that last summer of fear get ahold of me.

But I'm more thankful for the peace that God gave us through it all.

Amazing.

Today

today is mother's day.

i think i thought about it more this year than in other years gone by.

perhaps it's because the mess in this house is just atrocious.

and i'm not exaggerating.

i was picking up rocks in the house,

not gravel, not sand, full size rocks.

i cleaned off the table last night that hasn't been cleaned since wednesday,

and i can't even get to my hoard of a laundry pile without stepping on ten dress up outfits and four trucks. it's pretty bad.

but i get to do it.

i get to be a mom.

 i think i thought about it more this week because it's almost the one year birthday of our baby.

the one we didn't get to hold.

the one i didn't get to spoil, and cuddle, and dote on.

and it makes me think about all the other hurting hearts out there.

the ones whose stories didn't end up how mine did.

the ones who have that ache in their heart and empty hands.

even though i don't think my house has ever been a bigger mess,

i'm glad.

i get to be a mom, and i get to have this mess,

and i get to have my arms full of a chubby little boy,

and very close by there's a little girls who always loves to be touching, 

and a three year old who's testing my patience.

my story isn't over, but it's come out so happy.

my ache in my heart is still there, but my arms are full.

praying for all those who are aching today, for those who are desperate to be mamas.

Break's over

My blogging break is over and I'm glad. I miss writing, recapping my memories of the sweet and sour things that fill our days and time. I love looking back, seeing the places we've come from and where we're headed.

I keep telling Mike that I need to make that sign I see everywhere "the days are long, the years are short". So true. When I think about our day to day, not much changes. Eden loves dress up, rolling her eyes, noodles, Ezra, high heels, dolls, and Frozen. Micah loves Spiderman, whales, riding his bike, clothes, bad guys, blue and Ezra. Ezra loves to sleep at night, milk, his thumb, to pull out his hair on the side of his head, and grunting.
It seems like they've loved those things forever. Yet Eden's not obsessed with tapirs anymore and Micah can now say "washcloth". Ezra doesn't sleep all the time, and now is starting to laugh. So much changes, but in the day to day, it seems so long.

What a treat to watch it before my very eyes. To witness their little lives unfold, to watch the stages come and go. Man, I'm blessed.

Her

Eden's had a hard time since Ezra's come along. She has her sweet moments, but the sassiness has reached an all time high and a new game has been put into play--manipulation. It drives me crazy! Most days I can handle it though. I either ignore it or tell her that such things just aren't true. It depends on how much I feel like talking. When I'm tired though, I believe her. I get so discouraged in my parenting and feel like it's a reflection of me as her mom. I believe the lies.
When I went to mom's group this past Thursday, one of the mom's shared a little story that she'd gotten in an email. It goes:

It was advertised that the devil was putting his tools up for sale. When the day of the

sale came, each tool was priced and laid out for public inspection. And what a collection

it was. Hatred, envy, jealousy, deceit or pride…the inventory was treacherous. Off to one

side was a harmless-looking tool priced higher than all the rest, even though it was

obviously more worn than any other tool the devil owned. “What’s the name of this tool?”

asked one of the customers. “That,” the devil replied, “is discouragement.”

The customer asked, “But why have you priced it so high?” The devil smiled and

explained, “Because discouragement is more useful to me than all the others.

I can pry open and get inside a man’s heart with that tool when I can’t get near

him with any other. It’s badly worn because I use it on almost everyone, since so

few people know it belongs to me.

I love this. After sharing some of these hardships with my mom and with Mike, we all concluded that Eden needed some extra attention. My spirit was willing but my flesh was so weak on this one. I love time to myself, or time to do projects. But selflessness is my calling as a mother.
On Saturday morning around 6, we were all up. I told her at about 6:10 that her and I were going to spend a little time together, just the two of us. I think she was ready to go at 6:11. We went to the coffee shop right down the road, perhaps two or three blocks away. She ordered a hot chocolate and a chocolate chip cookie the size of our dinner plates. We sat, we talked, and I cried.
She is so precious to me, my beautiful girl. I love the sparkle in her eyes, and the joy she exudes. She's a contagious person. I sat there, taking her all in. Thinking how could I've been so silly not to see that she needs this so bad. She needs just me sometimes. My time, my energy, my touch, all uninterrupted. It was good.
So good.
We decided to make these little coffee dates a regular thing in our week. Saturday mornings.
I'm looking forward to it.

*photo taken by my friend Julie

Losing it...in a good way

As a joke, I always tell people that I get dumber as a mom as the years go by.

My days are spent reading children's books and I enjoy the mindlessness of coloring.

Finding the perfect play dough recipe is not something I ever thought I'd spend time on, 

though dressing dolls or building with blocks were never on that list either.

My intellectual abilities may not be increasing, that much I can say.

 BUT, in parenting, I have never learned so much spiritually.

I've never sought God so much, relied on God so much, and been dependent on God 

like I have in parenting.

I've been learning a lot lately too.

 Nothing I haven't heard before, but it's penetrating a different part of my heart.

Like 'Am I loving my kids like God loves me?'

Am I showing them kindness, grace, long-suffering, and gentleness?

Yeesh! 

I've got a long way to go, such a long way to go.

 And every day, I've been beginning my prayer life a little different.

Not just "Jesus, help me today",

but "God, help me to walk in the Spirit".

 So, maybe I'm losing it, by "it" I mean my I.Q., but I think I'm learning to lose myself.

These little ones are teaching me to let go of my selfishness

even though I try so hard to hang onto it.

I can't walk in the Spirit and be selfish at the same time.

Then losing it, is definitely a good thing.

Ezra Leif

I feel like this is a story I tear up at just when I think about it.

It's a story that began almost two years ago.

A miscarriage, a molar pregnancy, and probably almost a hundred doctor appointments in between and after, we got pregnant with Ezra.

A healthy pregnancy is something I will never take for granted.

The yearning and desire that goes along with that is something

that can't be expressed in words.

All of Ezra's pregnancy, I was so thankful but fearful.

Leary about all of the what if's that could possibly happen because they

had in the past. I took each day as it came.

Some were so much harder emotionally than others.

And then, Friday morning, reality really hit.

I woke up at 5 a.m. with a strong contraction, and woke Mike 

right away.

I called my mom, and tried to get dressed for nearly thirty minutes.

We got to the hospital at 6, and Ezra was born at 7:30.

They laid him on me, and I felt frozen in time.

I was shocked, stunned, and so in love.

I will never, in all my life forget that feeling.

That relief.

That reality.

That answered prayer.

Laying on me,

breathing,

thriving,

and so beautiful.

There is nothing that compares to the birth of a child.

My opinion of course, I guess these little people do a number on me.

My baby is two days old.

I'm in awe,

a little shock,

and emotional.

  

This journey, the one we've been on for what seems like so long,

it's really begun.

Really begun.

My hormonal perspective

I can't decide if I haven't felt inspiration lately 

or if its consumed me.

My energy level isn't what it normally is, 

and with a baby due in ten days, 

I'm sure it's normal.

We've had more mother-daughter and mother-son talks 

in the last month than I think we've had the whole year. 

My body is so tired, 

so sore and hurting,

 but I'm savoring the moments at hand.

Our days in the house seem so long, 

the fighting seems incessant,

tattling keeps coming though I ignore it,

Micah still jumps off everything imaginable,

and Eden thinks she's a parent.

Micah throws temper tantrums and seems to cry at everything, 

and Eden has a mouth on her that flings me into the future by ten years.

But, I'm in love.

I'm in love with Micah and will never tire of drying his tears.

And I'm in love with Eden and can't wait for her hug after she realizes she's done wrong and she goes on like nothing ever happened.

I'm relishing the moments.

Some of my last with only two kids.

Where we squeeze on the love seat and read books for an hour,

or bake something out of the blue.

I love how we do devotions in the morning 

and pray together while I hold and rub their little hands.

I love how we're close, all day.

I love how the library is part of our weekly routine

and how Eden loves pajama days.

I love how the kids look forward to their sibling

saying they want a brother one day and a sister the next.

I love how they talk about the baby

and what their little roles will be.

And I especially love to watch their face 

when I put their little hand on my tummy and they feel the movement.

Winter kind of seems like a boot camp for behavior.

We're stuck with each other, in a small space, and we learn to thrive with each other.

It seems like life is easier in the summer.

Like the sunshine puts that extra skip in our step,

and we're humming or singing to everything we do.

But this is different, 

and I know we go through it every year.

I'm not complaining, 

because it means being with two little people 

that I love uncontrollably day in and day out. 

I get to learn them better. 

And I get to study them more.

I know what will follow certain looks.

I learn new things that excite them.

I anticipate what emotions are coming,

and there's growth, all around.

This winter, so far, I've watched them become best friends.

I've watched them miss each other when one is gone for minutes,

and I've thanked God for answering that prayer.

We have our days

and we definitely have our moments.

But even the not so great moments equal up to incredible days,

because I got to see it, I got to experience it, I got to be a part of it.

And that, I wouldn't trade for anything.

Not anything in the world.