How long has it been?

The winter funk isn't affecting my kids much. Me, on the other hand, it is. I get so cold every day that I curl up in the sunbeam that hits the living room floor at 1:30 and I stay there. I get so tired, because I'm just sitting, that I usually fall asleep. Maybe that's not a funk, maybe it's a sort of heaven. It sounds nice as I write it, but I feel lazy when I'm doing it.

So, my kids don't get this way. The Wisconsin winter doesn't get to them in the way it gets to me.

They go about their little lives, having fun, being creative, and enjoying themselves.

Eden still plays Mary. (yes, the virgin,mother of Jesus)Though it's not daily, it's still frequent, though I do miss the daily routine. I especially miss Mike playing it with her. Being the angel, and getting sooooo dramatic. Even if you were in the worst mood ever, it would make you smile watching it.

Eden is also still dressing her babies in five million outfits at once. I think she's so creative in her play. It's not just one outfit that looks good, it's like layers and layers of outfits that look good.

Micah is Micah. Jumping off of anything and always getting hurt, or not hurt. He doesn't really care. He's fun though, and could probably tell me more about trucks than I could tell you.

But me, I have this funk. Like the kind of funk you feel after you ride on a plane. That you don't have the fresh air on your face and in your hair. Kinda stale, awaiting change, or anticipating inspiration. They've got that all the time. That spark. I want that. There's been so many days this week that I've said the verse "this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it,"just trying to remind myself and keep it in the front of my brain what a gift this life is. I don't ever want to think of myself as stale.

                          

I want to be vivacious, deep, and always aware. I want to take advantage of my job as a stay at home mom, not just our routine. I don't want to go through the motions, I want to be moved, to be stirred inside. They challenge me. Daily, to do this sort of thing.

I know it's hard to believe. But she does it in the deepest way. She asks me questions no one else would. She cares to know the answer to those kind of questions.

That's something I cherish. That's probably one of my favorite thing about friendships, the ones that ask you the deep things. The questions that really show your heart.

Just the other day, I was thinking about my emotional journey with the loss of our baby. Thinking about how I don't cry about it every day now. Wondering why and how long has it been since I cried?

It's always funny how those situations pan out. You think about them, then they change.

Tonight at dinner, Eden asked me "mommy, what do you think you'll do when you first see your baby in heaven?" Tears rolled down my cheeks. She cared to know.
I told her my feelings, and felt anew. Not stale anymore, and thanking God that they teach me. I know it's my job to teach them, but it's always amazing to me the things I learn from them.
So thankful for their little tender hearts and their perspective.
Such a gift.

What I Wore Wednesday

Being a stay at home mom..... I can say I'm never lonely.

Never. ever.

When I go to the bathroom, put away laundry, go to bed, wake up, my kids are always there.

So, while I don't have the cutest pictures for WIWW, they're realistic.

This is my life.

Day in.

Day out.

Aren't they cute?

My kids, I mean, not my clothes silly.

Micah's face here makes me smile.

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sweater- American Eagle

shirt- We the Free

jeans- Good. to. the. Will

shoes- Dansko

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Happy Hump Day
Linking up with Pleated Poppy for WIWW

Something that stuck

Last week, I spent nearly the entire week at my parents house. Mike was gone with work, school, and a business trip, and it was wonderful. Truly. Wonderful.

We had a few nights of watching old home movies. Laughing at our clothes, we recounted the memories, and Eden loved living in the past for those few moments. I loved seeing our family, being silly, humoring ourselves, and having the time of our lives. I loved seeing my grandparents, and tears welled up in my eyes just hearing my grandmas voice. It made me miss her, and sad that I forgot to.

 We had a night where we played games. With the kids and on our own. With the kids, it's funny how rules just go out the door, and when we're adults we become sticklers about them with games. My mom has a little fisher price game called "adopt a dog". It's cute, and Eden and Micah love it.

 And every day, Eden and Micah would help Grandma in the kitchen. My mom loves to cook and bake, bless her. I wish I inherited that gene. Another daily is how Micah would wait for Grandpa to finish work so that he could go on the four wheeler. He loves that thing so much.

 In the bitter cold, my dad took Micah, every day. He would come in, so cold, but so excited that he got a ride. I think it was the highlight of his day, every day.

These pictures are all old, but I love 'em. I love my parents. A lot. We had one night where we didn't play games, or watch old movies, we just talked. My mom said something to me that stuck. Really stuck.

She told me how her and my dad weren't raised in Christian homes, so they had no idea how to do it themselves. She told me they gave it everything. Everything.
That's what stuck.
Thank you Mom and Dad. I am so so so thankful for how you raised me. It's a model I try to follow with my own kids. I love my childhood and adolescent memories. I hope that my kids will say the same when they're my age. But more importantly, I hope I can say that I gave it everything.
Thank you Mom, for telling me that.

Missing Mike

mike has been busy lately.

really busy.

work and school

school and work

and we've been missing him something fierce.

 i've been going through old pictures a lot lately

and they remind me

not of this busy season

but of our best memories

quiet days

they remind me of what a gift my husband is

 it's been a long week

the kids are asking constantly

about him

when I write that he's been busy,

that would be an understatement

 he does it for us

work

and he does it for his family

he's selfless

the most selfless person I know

 and tonight

we get to see him

I can't wait

and that's the biggest understatement

come tonight

he's done with school for a few months

and we will have dinner together

seven nights a week

i can't wait for that 

 come tonight

we'll all get hugs and kisses

 man, i miss him

 and so do they

we're waiting for you Mike

my biggest blessing

my soul mate

my constant

i love you

Being present

I've gone through many times in my life where I wish time would "hurry up". 

My wish never came true, and my patience didn't grow any stronger through those times, and as I look back on those times, I wish I had savored life.  I know I did to some extent, but I want to go deeper. When I thought that I was in the trenches, I wish I had remembered the beautiful things when I was there more than remembering the hard things. Even with my kids, certain stages seem to last long, and I find myself wishing those stages would "hurry up". I can see in my life how many times I try to "hurry up" things. Friendships I want but aren't meant to be, life lessons that seem hard to learn, and winter days that the kids fight a lot, those are all things that I've wished would "hurry up".

I want to be different.
I want to be present.
To live totally in the now.
To cherish the friends that I have. They're some of the most beautiful people ever, and I love them. A friend left me a message maybe close to a month ago, and it was so encouraging, so sincere. It may sound funny, but I play it probably once a week, just to remind myself that I have some of the most beautiful people with sincere hearts in my life. Whether it's watching our daughters play dress-up with their princess dresses on backwards and mismatched high heels, or spending an entire night on the phone so we can catch up and talk deep, I am blessed.

Lately I've been resisting the urge to run and get the camera when my kids are being cute, because I don't want to miss a minute. I want their smiling faces and little giggles burned into my brain, every second of it. Maybe I'll regret it, that I don't have those little material snippets, one day. But for right now, for this moment, it's how it's going to be.
Being present, finding the beautiful things no matter how small or insignificant they seem, they're there, we just have to look closely.
Try it.
Guarantee you'll find some.

Little tiny memories

2012 is over, but there were some little tiny memories that I can't forget and little darling things I know my kids will appreciate reading one day.

There's an old hymn called "Count your blessings". 

Whenever I just hear the title, the song plays over and over in my head for the day.

It makes me think of all the little things I love, not just my big blessings.

Here's a few:

how Micah still curls his toes for balance, similar to a 'just walking' baby, it's irresistible for me to watch him go up the stairs and how he curls his toes

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how he starts the word 'because' with a 'p'

Eden can't resist cuddling, no matter what mood she's in

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how she dresses her babies in 10 outfits at once, "babies need to be kept warm"

 how he lays on his train table and rolls a car or truck back and forth and just watches the wheels turn

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his total obsession with diggers and front-end loaders (are those the same thing?)

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how he tells me every morning he has to "leave for work"

how Eden wants to be renamed "Sidney" and at certain points in the day only answer to that name

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her obsession with the virgin Mary

 how neither of them have learned to stay sitting when they eat (they stay in their seat, just not sitting)

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their love of tea

and perhaps my favorite,

how they both offer each other a pretend poison apple at different times throughout the day, 

the other grabs the pretend apple,

takes a bite,

and falls on the floor until the other one kisses them.

it's cute.

and now I'll never forget it.

The way we celebrate

We had a wonderful new years. 

quiet.

My favorite.

Mike took off on new years eve, which was such a treat for me.

We took the kids to a little party at the library.

It was like "library goes wild".

I do have to humor myself.

Some planned out, thought out, delicious meals.

Though not picture worthy, playtime is.

Counting my blesssing, these are my biggest three:

And so looking forward to the year ahead.

It's gonna be good.

Mike's teasing, it will be good.