How long has it been?

The winter funk isn't affecting my kids much. Me, on the other hand, it is. I get so cold every day that I curl up in the sunbeam that hits the living room floor at 1:30 and I stay there. I get so tired, because I'm just sitting, that I usually fall asleep. Maybe that's not a funk, maybe it's a sort of heaven. It sounds nice as I write it, but I feel lazy when I'm doing it.

So, my kids don't get this way. The Wisconsin winter doesn't get to them in the way it gets to me.

They go about their little lives, having fun, being creative, and enjoying themselves.

Eden still plays Mary. (yes, the virgin,mother of Jesus)Though it's not daily, it's still frequent, though I do miss the daily routine. I especially miss Mike playing it with her. Being the angel, and getting sooooo dramatic. Even if you were in the worst mood ever, it would make you smile watching it.

Eden is also still dressing her babies in five million outfits at once. I think she's so creative in her play. It's not just one outfit that looks good, it's like layers and layers of outfits that look good.

Micah is Micah. Jumping off of anything and always getting hurt, or not hurt. He doesn't really care. He's fun though, and could probably tell me more about trucks than I could tell you.

But me, I have this funk. Like the kind of funk you feel after you ride on a plane. That you don't have the fresh air on your face and in your hair. Kinda stale, awaiting change, or anticipating inspiration. They've got that all the time. That spark. I want that. There's been so many days this week that I've said the verse "this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it,"just trying to remind myself and keep it in the front of my brain what a gift this life is. I don't ever want to think of myself as stale.

                          

I want to be vivacious, deep, and always aware. I want to take advantage of my job as a stay at home mom, not just our routine. I don't want to go through the motions, I want to be moved, to be stirred inside. They challenge me. Daily, to do this sort of thing.

I know it's hard to believe. But she does it in the deepest way. She asks me questions no one else would. She cares to know the answer to those kind of questions.

That's something I cherish. That's probably one of my favorite thing about friendships, the ones that ask you the deep things. The questions that really show your heart.

Just the other day, I was thinking about my emotional journey with the loss of our baby. Thinking about how I don't cry about it every day now. Wondering why and how long has it been since I cried?

It's always funny how those situations pan out. You think about them, then they change.

Tonight at dinner, Eden asked me "mommy, what do you think you'll do when you first see your baby in heaven?" Tears rolled down my cheeks. She cared to know.
I told her my feelings, and felt anew. Not stale anymore, and thanking God that they teach me. I know it's my job to teach them, but it's always amazing to me the things I learn from them.
So thankful for their little tender hearts and their perspective.
Such a gift.