Adios 2012

I've been thinking all year about how 2012 is probably my least favorite year ever. 

It's not been my favorite, 2012, but I've never learned so much. I remember back a few years, I would ponder life and love, and couldn't remember going through a hard time for a while. People often say that you learn the most through hard times and I'd have to agree. While I wouldn't mind not learning for a while, I know I'll never forget the things I have learned this year.

Last January and February, it was gorgeous out. I started taking the kids to the park in February, which is so rare for Wisconsin. But I had a really heavy heart. 

I knew surgery was coming, and though I tried so hard to live every day in the moment, it was like a dark cloud was looming. I lost a lot of weight, due to stress, yet time kept ticking.

In March, I had ankle reconstruction and couldn't walk for nearly two months. 

                          

Talk about stripping a person of their independence. March 8th came and went, surgery went well, recovery was harder. I will never forget the rock that Mike was during the next couple of months. He did everything for the kids as I could do nothing.

Every day, I felt like I struggled to find joy, something I'd never had trouble with before. I could put on a smile, but in my heart, I felt so helpless. I learned so much about God and patience through those months. And Mike, he still remained patient, loving, kind, and so compassionate to me. We got through those hard few months, and we definitely grew as a family.
By June, I was finally walking again unassisted, a time that I thought would never come. The next few months flew by. We made a lot of good memories in the next several months.

Really good memories. I knew that I had gone through so much in months prior, and I was continually counting my blessing. I think of myself as a pretty thankful person, but this whole period in my life was different. It was like a morph into a new thankfulness.

I was brought to tears so many times in those months out of thankfulness and joy. Happy tears, those are the best kind.

We celebrated our seventh anniversary, and were truly enjoying life.

Then in October,when I was three months pregnant,we lost our baby. That is something I can never forget, every single detail is burned in my memory, and I can't forget it, not for a minute of the day. I remember looking at myself in the mirror many times after we found out and not recognizing myself, the grief was so unbearable. I remember just walking around, missing my baby, feeling so empty, so alone.
My body still thinks I'm pregnant as the hormones haven't left yet. I think the day that I see a negative pregnancy test, I'll have a little party for myself. It's a funny feeling, just wanting to be done with a trial, but not really being able to shake it. It's still there, the hormones, a reminder, the pain.
When I go to the hospital to have my hormone levels tested, I break down in tears, and anxiety tries to hold a grip on me. I've left there often, shaking, remember the day.
Thankfully, God is stronger. He's bigger than any trial that I've had this year. By no means can I twist what's happened and say I'm glad it all happened. I'll never say that.
But I long for heaven more. To see Jesus, and to hold my baby that I never got to; to have my body be free of pain, made new in Christ. To know that I'll never have to have another ankle surgery or never have to fear losing another baby, that's heaven. And to have Jesus hold me... the thought brings me to tears.
We heard the song Endless Hallelujah in church a few weeks ago, and it's had a way with me. Listen to it, it's amazing, and it sums it all up.
Every day is a chance to start new, so thankful for that. Happy New Years friends.

A little caught up

it's been a while.

 i can't believe Christmas has come and gone.

kids really do make Christmas so wonderful.

our days this week have returned to a much welcomed quiet.

 our pajama days have returned, and I love it.

 i love when eden is creative, and micah is silly.

their play styles compliment each other

 eden being outgoing and micah being reserved in public, they're so opposite.

eden told santa this year that her mom doesn't like pets.

she also got in an argument with a little friend this year about santa's existence.

we don't do santa, and it's hard for her to understand that others do.

micah's been loving the snow.

last year he couldn't stand it.

they're fun.

and i'm so glad we're back to quiet and simple days.

that's the whole beauty of childhood.

A heavy heart

My heart has been so heavy since hearing the horrific news yesterday. I cry every time I read the news since then. Just seeing the people in such anguish breaks my heart. Eden saw me crying once and asked why. I told her in the most appropriate way I could to tell my four year old, and she suggested we pray right then and there. We did.
I can't begin to imagine the pain those people are going through. And when I start to process it all, fear starts to grip my heart. Mike gently reminded me today that "God has not given us the spirit of fear", and I couldn't agree more.
Life is still a gift, that hasn't changed. And it's definitely still beautiful if we choose to live it that way.
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I don't know if it's my heart, or perhaps it's the season, but for all of those who commented on the giveaway, I'll be giving you a set of pencils. Merry Christmas commenters! and thank you for reading.

what I wore Wednesday

linking up with Pleated Poppy this week for WIWW

a few of my fashion favorites lately:

light aqua

gold jewelry

light, light pink

colored jeans

cute boots

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this was what I wore Sunday:

statement necklace: forever 21

cardigan: juicy couture

belt: pistil

jeans: old navy

christmas decor: handmade by me and Eden

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 and this is what I wore Wednesday

(Wednesdays mean sitting on the floor of the library for an hour, so comfy clothes are in order)

necklace: forever 21

cardigan: pleione (from Marshall's)

tank: poof

pants: solitaire

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and of course, Eden and Micah, watching me take my own picture.

they're the cutest part of this

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pssssssst: enter my blog giveaway (what do you have to lose)

Encouragement

Encouragement seems like it's slowly becoming more and more scarce. It's such a treasure, and such a valuable tool. Whether you need it or love to give it, encourage someone today.

There are a few friends that I have that I love to talk to because they are so encouraging. 

That's huge in my mom world.

Eden and I made some cute pencils as little gifts to give to the people who enrich my kids' lives and we'd love to encourage. 

They turned out so cute. 

A plain pencil, some tissue paper, and a little modge podge, and you've got yourself a really cute set of pencils.

 A dance teacher, a sunday school teacher, a grandma, anyone really that makes their little world a better place. Those are the people that I want to encourage. Their task may be big, or maybe it's small, but it means something huge to me and my kids.

And to encourage you to comment, I'll send one reader a cute pencil set. Leave a comment and tell me who you've encouraged or who's your favorite person to give you encouragement.

Giveaway will close on Saturday night.

Winner will be chosen per random.org.

Blunt

I love old hymns, and lately my kids have been singing the song "bless the Lord" all around the house. Nothing could make me smile bigger, than when I hear that. But the hymn I've been thinking a lot about is song "It is well". Here's the part that's been playing over and over in my head:
when peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
it is well, it is well with my soul.
I sat in church yesterday and just cried "when sorrows like sea billows roll". Dealing with losing our baby has touched my heart in a way I never knew possible. And it is like a sea billow. When the sadness comes, it comes upon me so great and seems to just engulf me.

I remember when we went to Florida with the kids, Eden stepped out too far in the ocean and a wave just came and took her. She was rolling around in the ocean, unable to get up because of the waves just tossing her around. I know that sounds like a funny scene, but if you imagine the ocean is sorrow, it brings with it a whole different picture.
I'm brought back to the nights praying over and over, "God, hold me close." It was the only thing that brought me comfort, and the only thing that brought me peace.

This morning Micah fell off his chair. I rushed to him, picked him up and held him as close as I could. As soon as he was close, he stopped crying and he started to catch his breath. Within a minute he was fine and wanting to go and play. This is so similar to me with God. I feel pain, and all I want is for God to hold me close. He does, and then I go on my way.
Crazy what this life is, and oh so beautiful.

Nothing happened here today

This week seemed crazy for me. I wish I had a mind that I could turn on and off, but I feel like it's constantly going. I noticed today that I'm never just sitting and talking, I'm always sitting and working on a project, or standing and doing laundry, or even eating standing. I need life to slow down a little. It's not hard for me to say no to things, but I put expectations on myself and things I think that I need to do, and those are the things I find it hard to say no to.

 On another note, it really hit me this week how grown up Micah is. I took both the kids to a little Christmas activity at a friends church. As I was getting him dressed, his shirt got stuck on his head. I quickly pulled it down and said "boo" in a gentle voice trying to get him to smile. I think he's outgrown this babyish phase as he said to me "mommy, don't scare me. Be nice to me."I wish he'd stay little.

 Speaking of staying little, it's not happening with Eden either. I noticed the other day that her size 5 pants are getting short. GASP!

 My heart has been pretty anxious lately and I told a friend this week how badly I wanted a baby. It's such a longing feeling, and I felt shocked to listen to myself say those words. Never would I have imagined myself going through what we've been through lately. It would have been in the next couple of weeks that we would've had our 20 week ultrasound. I try not to think back and then forward, but I can't help it. Man, children are such a gift. And you should consider yourself so blessed if you've never had that longing, it's painful.

 On a fun note, the kids and I did a little project today. I was reading this blog post last night, and thought that the kids would love it. (little side note- I love her blog, it's what originally inspired me to start a smash book). I was right, they did.

 Eden got so intense. I love how she holds her face when she's concentrating. I've noticed that Mike does the exact same face when he plays guitar.

 She did such an excellent job, but most of all I love how proud of herself she was.

 I cut some of the string I bought from Anthropologie and just sewed a tiny stitch through each one. It turned out beautiful.

 I kind of want to make one for myself.

 We made a quick stop at the library and picked up some new books. Eden was sitting on the couch reading and the next thing I know she was at the table with a book, a pencil, and a piece of paper.
She told me that she was writing a letter, and I watched her as she copied the little note in the book, letter for letter, word for word.

"Nothing Happened Here Today".
I cut it out and put it on the fridge.

what i wore Wednesday

boots: manitobah

pants: hot kiss

shirt: free people

earrings: lauren conrad

Her most favorite thing

Last night, we planned on taking the kids to a live nativity that my friend told me about. It was raining, then drizzling, and I told Mike that I didn't even really feel like going. 

But I knew Eden was excited, and I love her love of the Christmas story. It's her favorite story ever. And she loves to act it out herself. I think there's rarely a day that goes by where she doesn't.

This was Eden one night last week: can you guess what she was playing?

 We did go, and it was amazing. So amazing.
It wasn't just a live nativity, it was like a mini outdoor play. We all sat on hay bales, and the drizzle didn't even dampen the mood.

 I'll never forget the look on Eden's face. It was hard for me to capture it, as she was on my lap. She told us in the car that it was "brilliant, just brilliant". I agree. There's something about the Christmas story that is so magical, far beyond what any fairy tale is, yet it's real, it happened.

 My pictures are pretty awful, but they're for Eden. She'll remember what it was like, despite the junky pictures.

 And my favorite:

Hope you all do something to refocus your Christmas on the true meaning!