Adios 2012

I've been thinking all year about how 2012 is probably my least favorite year ever. 

It's not been my favorite, 2012, but I've never learned so much. I remember back a few years, I would ponder life and love, and couldn't remember going through a hard time for a while. People often say that you learn the most through hard times and I'd have to agree. While I wouldn't mind not learning for a while, I know I'll never forget the things I have learned this year.

Last January and February, it was gorgeous out. I started taking the kids to the park in February, which is so rare for Wisconsin. But I had a really heavy heart. 

I knew surgery was coming, and though I tried so hard to live every day in the moment, it was like a dark cloud was looming. I lost a lot of weight, due to stress, yet time kept ticking.

In March, I had ankle reconstruction and couldn't walk for nearly two months. 

                          

Talk about stripping a person of their independence. March 8th came and went, surgery went well, recovery was harder. I will never forget the rock that Mike was during the next couple of months. He did everything for the kids as I could do nothing.

Every day, I felt like I struggled to find joy, something I'd never had trouble with before. I could put on a smile, but in my heart, I felt so helpless. I learned so much about God and patience through those months. And Mike, he still remained patient, loving, kind, and so compassionate to me. We got through those hard few months, and we definitely grew as a family.
By June, I was finally walking again unassisted, a time that I thought would never come. The next few months flew by. We made a lot of good memories in the next several months.

Really good memories. I knew that I had gone through so much in months prior, and I was continually counting my blessing. I think of myself as a pretty thankful person, but this whole period in my life was different. It was like a morph into a new thankfulness.

I was brought to tears so many times in those months out of thankfulness and joy. Happy tears, those are the best kind.

We celebrated our seventh anniversary, and were truly enjoying life.

Then in October,when I was three months pregnant,we lost our baby. That is something I can never forget, every single detail is burned in my memory, and I can't forget it, not for a minute of the day. I remember looking at myself in the mirror many times after we found out and not recognizing myself, the grief was so unbearable. I remember just walking around, missing my baby, feeling so empty, so alone.
My body still thinks I'm pregnant as the hormones haven't left yet. I think the day that I see a negative pregnancy test, I'll have a little party for myself. It's a funny feeling, just wanting to be done with a trial, but not really being able to shake it. It's still there, the hormones, a reminder, the pain.
When I go to the hospital to have my hormone levels tested, I break down in tears, and anxiety tries to hold a grip on me. I've left there often, shaking, remember the day.
Thankfully, God is stronger. He's bigger than any trial that I've had this year. By no means can I twist what's happened and say I'm glad it all happened. I'll never say that.
But I long for heaven more. To see Jesus, and to hold my baby that I never got to; to have my body be free of pain, made new in Christ. To know that I'll never have to have another ankle surgery or never have to fear losing another baby, that's heaven. And to have Jesus hold me... the thought brings me to tears.
We heard the song Endless Hallelujah in church a few weeks ago, and it's had a way with me. Listen to it, it's amazing, and it sums it all up.
Every day is a chance to start new, so thankful for that. Happy New Years friends.