Brokenness, and finally some inspiration

It's funny how we think God should work. I personally, put Him in a little box and I expect him to work when I think I'll be ready, convict me when I think I should be sorry, and hear me when I say a two second prayer.
I thought that God would do a work in me when I had my surgery. Because I was down and discouraged, I thought that somehow I would find a deeper place in my heart where my prayers would mean more and my attitude would be more sincere. See the box?
I never would have foreseen what we'd be going through right now. I never would have imagined how hard parenting could be. We're still in this whole no sleep situation with Eden. Last night though, I saw some reassurance that I've needed so bad. See, Eden's been getting about six hours of sleep a day. It affects her behavior so much. I'm sure you can guess which direction her behavior has been going. It's not been pretty but she has been having some anxiety just over things that her imagination is creating.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful best friend, which also happens to be my mom, who has encouraged me through it all, and taught me to try anything.
It puts parenting in a whole new dimension for me. Where patience is what I pray for almost every five minutes of the day and I need God like I never have before. It's made me examine my life to where I watch every song I listen to and every word I say. It has made me change how I handle my own sleepless nights and put weight on every thing we do in a day. It's living intentionally, living with conviction.
I would've thought that my convictions would've been upon me six months ago, but they weren't. They're happening now, and my daughter is watching.
And last night, we all had a good night and good sleep.

A turn of events

Dear Eden,

To say that this week has been rough would be a huge understatement. I don't think ever, in my entire life, have I ever been so weary. You, my dear, have really put me to work this week.

Your awful sleep is getting me down. Waking up at even 5:20 in the morning to have a few minutes to myself and with Jesus isn't early enough. You're at my heels, wanted to have a conversation, play babies, and read books.

My 11:30 bedtime isn't cutting it either. You get up out of bed more times than I can count, and my tired body is so exhausted that I can't think straight. I pray with you, snuggle you, read to you, tell you stories, sing to you, but it's not doing the trick.

I fall asleep during the day because I'm so tired. So. Tired. And even then, you wake me up. When I was pregnant with you and with Micah, I wasn't even this tired. For some reason, you're afraid. Afraid of your room, the dark, being alone, or maybe it's a mixture of all of those things combined.

You now have three night lights in your room,have books with pictures torn out of them because I'm afraid they might scare you, and sleep with your door wide open.

Thursday night, my plan was to get out alone. I was so excited. With Mike busy with work and school, I can't remember the last time that I had alone time. I felt like I was counting down the hours all day.

We ate dinner as a family and I quickly prepared to leave. I had prepped you all day. Telling you that you'd get some extra time with Daddy, and that Mommy was going out alone. You sat at the table and begged me, begged me not to leave.

Sometimes you fake cry and sometimes you can be manipulative, but not that night. Your eyes were glassy with tears and you had this desperation about you that tugged at my heart like never before.
Your hands were speckled with food from dinner as you pulled at my arm, still begging me not to leave.

There was no way I could leave you. So, I took you with me. We shopped until 10pm. It wasn't always easy, but I think it was exactly what you needed. I can't count how many times you kissed me while we were out or how many times you said "mommy, you're the best".

I let you do things that I would normally never allow. I let you stomp through the aisles with women's high heeled shoes on, grab clothes off the racks and hold them up to you, and read books that we'd never buy. We studied the hello kitty merchandise, talked lipstick and heels, and I let you try out the toys that you dream of. We smacked our gum together, shared lip gloss, and talked the entire evening.

I bought you a Disney princess nightgown that goes against every grain in me. But you were so happy. I still haven't had any alone time, but since our girl's night two nights ago, you've slept through the night. Your bed time routine still needs a bit of work, and you're not getting anywhere near the sleep you need, but sleeping through the night is a wonderful step.
I think a little one on one time is just what you needed, and I love the memories we made that night. I can tell you did too as you've asked me several times since if we can do that every night.