Why do I want chaos?

I know that God has been teaching me lately

to be still

and quiet

and less busy

to rest

to be open

to whatever He has in store for me.

 it's easier said than done.

life has been hard up until just lately

for over a year

really hard

emotionally draining

 and now it's just

peaceful.

and for some reason

that's hard for me right now

 what I loved about the chaos and being so broken emotionally

was that I was at the feet of Jesus

knowing that I could do nothing

while that's still true,

I find myself distracted

and in tiny moments thinking of my

longing to be at the feet of Jesus.

I want that back.

I want to be physically on my knees,

knowing God

loving God

needing God 

being desperate for Him

Its such a beautiful place to be.

Wowza

I have a confession to make, and it's something that I'm not proud of:

I lack confidence as a parent.

I don't know why it's hard to admit, 

but it is.

I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing

and always knowing what I want my parenting to be.

I think it's an area that I really need to let Jesus take over.

I'm sensitive about it, and for some reason that's hard to admit.

This morning, we went to our first homeschool co-op meeting (no, these pictures aren't from there).

Again, I was lacking confidence.

It really took over me this morning, even before we left.

Just a huge overwhelming cloud of "can I do this?", "this is too big of a task?", and other things of that nature.

I left the house feeling defeated and deflated.

Feeling scared.

But I think it's my weakness, and I think Satan knows how he can bring me down.

Thankfully, Jesus is bigger, so much bigger than all of this.

I've had a family member tell me before that I'm "not a home school mom".

I'm not a planner.

And I'd ditch curriculum books any day over a pile of fabric or bottles of paint.

I swear I've gotten dumber in the last four years of my life,

and my attention span shows it.

I love distractions and I'm not disciplined.

I love fun and perimeters make me feel trapped.

I usually think about dinner twenty minutes before we're supposed to eat it, and that

is what intimidates me.

Myself.

How in the world can I, one mess of a person, teach my children an education?

But God can.

Galations 2:20 I no longer live, but the Messiah lives in me,

and the life that I am now living in this body I live by

the faithfulness of the Son of God,

who gave himself for me.

Just like my mom encouraged me this weekend,

"lay it at the feet of Jesus".

I have this desire in my heart.

This crazy desire to teach my children.

When I look at it from the feet of Jesus, looking up, it's so beautiful.

Our weekend

Our weekend was so wonderful. We went up to my parents house, relaxed, created some fun memories, and went on a much needed date. I love looking back at these pictures, it seems like only minutes ago, but already it's days away.
My mom gave me some great motherhood encouragement this weekend too. That's something I treasure so much. Thanking God for all that I have and all He has entrusted to me.

Silly love

 Every few months our church hosts family events. Last Saturday, it was Veggie Tales. We went, and did have so much fun. It's funny because I went with no expectations, thinking I'd only hang out with my little ones. But I had a wonderful surprise, in having a fabulous talk with a dear friend AND getting to hang out with my little ones. Plus, who can beat free face painting.
p.s. Micah cried when his "moostache" had to be washed off. And by cried, I mean wailed. Poor little guy