The past couple of months have been hard for me. Physically, I'm not up to speed and spiritually, it's been a battle. The physical part isn't really that hard to wrap my head around, but the spiritual, it's hard to deal with your shortcomings.
I couldn't avoid it any longer. I knew I had a heart issue. I've been dealing with not being content. It's sort of a hard thing to admit. Pride, I guess, but like I said, it's hard to admit when you're wrong.
It's also hard to get to the root of the problem. To clean out all the grime out of your heart and get deep. See, when I know something's not right in my life, I have so many coping mechanisms. I run to do house projects, or make something cute, shop, be mindless and go online, talk on the phone, watch movies, I could go on and on. There's so many things I do when I know that I just need God. God is more than enough.
Sometimes, and so often I try to fill my God hole in my heart with anything but Him.
Even this morning, I knew what I really needed was God, but I read to you instead and picked up a bit. After that, I couldn't avoid the gap any longer. Eden,you sat with me when I read Psalms 73 over and over and quietly went and got your own book. I don't know if I've ever read something more fitting:
"But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
They have no struggles;
Their bodies are healthy and strong."
Whoah! I think being humbled lately has taken me down a slippery slope. Of comparing myself, my worth, and what I have to offer. It's led me to compare myself in ways that are unfair and unjust. It seems so filthy really.
I have an abundance of blessings. You two, for example, are incredible. You're healthy, you're fun, and so incredibly lovable. And your daddy, I don't think there could be anyone so amazing. He's the most selfless person, and his love is so pure. I have a lot. And I have God.
God in Himself is enough, but he's given me you and daddy, which is more than I'd have ever imagined.
I'm not perfect, and like I've told you before, I'll never claim to know it all. I'm far from having arrived. But, I do know this: God is enough. With that knowledge, I can be the mommy that I was meant to be. I can be content, knowing that I have more than enough. Way, way more than enough.
I love you more than anything,
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