Why do I want chaos?

I know that God has been teaching me lately

to be still

and quiet

and less busy

to rest

to be open

to whatever He has in store for me.

 it's easier said than done.

life has been hard up until just lately

for over a year

really hard

emotionally draining

 and now it's just

peaceful.

and for some reason

that's hard for me right now

 what I loved about the chaos and being so broken emotionally

was that I was at the feet of Jesus

knowing that I could do nothing

while that's still true,

I find myself distracted

and in tiny moments thinking of my

longing to be at the feet of Jesus.

I want that back.

I want to be physically on my knees,

knowing God

loving God

needing God 

being desperate for Him

Its such a beautiful place to be.

Wowza

I have a confession to make, and it's something that I'm not proud of:

I lack confidence as a parent.

I don't know why it's hard to admit, 

but it is.

I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing

and always knowing what I want my parenting to be.

I think it's an area that I really need to let Jesus take over.

I'm sensitive about it, and for some reason that's hard to admit.

This morning, we went to our first homeschool co-op meeting (no, these pictures aren't from there).

Again, I was lacking confidence.

It really took over me this morning, even before we left.

Just a huge overwhelming cloud of "can I do this?", "this is too big of a task?", and other things of that nature.

I left the house feeling defeated and deflated.

Feeling scared.

But I think it's my weakness, and I think Satan knows how he can bring me down.

Thankfully, Jesus is bigger, so much bigger than all of this.

I've had a family member tell me before that I'm "not a home school mom".

I'm not a planner.

And I'd ditch curriculum books any day over a pile of fabric or bottles of paint.

I swear I've gotten dumber in the last four years of my life,

and my attention span shows it.

I love distractions and I'm not disciplined.

I love fun and perimeters make me feel trapped.

I usually think about dinner twenty minutes before we're supposed to eat it, and that

is what intimidates me.

Myself.

How in the world can I, one mess of a person, teach my children an education?

But God can.

Galations 2:20 I no longer live, but the Messiah lives in me,

and the life that I am now living in this body I live by

the faithfulness of the Son of God,

who gave himself for me.

Just like my mom encouraged me this weekend,

"lay it at the feet of Jesus".

I have this desire in my heart.

This crazy desire to teach my children.

When I look at it from the feet of Jesus, looking up, it's so beautiful.

Our weekend

Our weekend was so wonderful. We went up to my parents house, relaxed, created some fun memories, and went on a much needed date. I love looking back at these pictures, it seems like only minutes ago, but already it's days away.
My mom gave me some great motherhood encouragement this weekend too. That's something I treasure so much. Thanking God for all that I have and all He has entrusted to me.

Silly love

 Every few months our church hosts family events. Last Saturday, it was Veggie Tales. We went, and did have so much fun. It's funny because I went with no expectations, thinking I'd only hang out with my little ones. But I had a wonderful surprise, in having a fabulous talk with a dear friend AND getting to hang out with my little ones. Plus, who can beat free face painting.
p.s. Micah cried when his "moostache" had to be washed off. And by cried, I mean wailed. Poor little guy

Maybe

Maybe it's not normal to spend your free time sledding your kids down a dinky snow embankment

maybe it's not normal for a four year old to sled with a bloody nose

maybe it's not normal to play Candy Land morning and night

and maybe it's not normal for a two year old boy to love truck shirts, nail polish, and a fox.

Maybe it's not normal to never let your kids watch tv, and paint their nails instead

maybe it's not normal to play games and get into it

maybe none of it is normal. Maybe.

But maybe I'm giving motherhood my everything, my all, maybe then it's all worth it.

A little pet peeve

As a mom, 

I feel bad saying I have pet peeves.

But I do.

There's one that gets me

more than others:

Meal times.

 Breakfast.

Lunch.

and Dinner.

 So, in order to keep

my life moving in

the right direction,

I'm trying to change.

 To see a meal time how they do.

To keep my cool.

To enjoy every minute of it.

 One day last week,

when I thought of this plan,

I grabbed my camera.

Captured them for who they are.

 Two little ones acting their age, 

forsaking manners,

and mostly loving life.

My little pet peeve

has turned into a little

life project.

Not for them,

for me.

I'd say it's working.

They're fun and cute,

especially at meal times.

Faithful

I wrote this post several weeks ago, but never published it. I can't believe the situations that God works in, so. beautiful. He's answered my prayer in terms of my health and healing. He didn't answer in the way that I wanted, but He answered. He is so faithful. We've since finished reading the book mentioned below, and it's my favorite, not only for my kids, but for me.

*

Every day, me, Eden, and Micah, sit down on the couch and pull a blanket across all three of our laps. We open up one of the fifty books we check out weekly from the library, and we sit and read and read. Every few days, we pull out a new favorite, The Story for Children.

I was shocked at the theme as we read yesterday, mostly from Exodus. The theme, over and over and over, God is faithful, God is faithful, God is faithful.

See, I've been down lately. My body just isn't recovering from this whole miscarriage ordeal, and I've been discouraged at the amount of time that's past. I'm sensitive too. I love friends talking about babies, hearing about babies, anything to do with babies, but I cry. Really easily. It's a little piece of my heart that is so tender and sensitive.
As Eden, Micah, and I have been reading, that theme of 'God is faithful', has been beautifully haunting me. Like when God promised Abraham and Sarah a child, and they waited 40 years; or when the Israelites waited outside the promised land, waited for 40 years outside of it in the desert. He was there, and he continually provided for His people. It wasn't always in ways they expected, but He was so faithful to them.
Often when I read the Bible, I look for a promise, a statement of hope, or perhaps some word of encouragement. Never do I look to the stories of the Old Testament, and yet, it's there.

I've been listening to the song "In Christ Alone" on repeat. The words:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sins curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life?s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand