Get a grip

I wish I could count how many times I've said that phrase "get a grip"in the last week and a half. It's actually embarrassing when I think about it. It's hard for me to admit my flaws and unjust thinking, and that's why I've been away. I knew that times would get hard with recovery, but I don't think I knew how hard. Seems like that's always the case though, at least for myself, never painting a practical picture of the future. The picture that I paint is usually some lofty and whimsical state of being even in the most unpleasant circumstances. Stupidity really.

Life is such a gift though, and I feel sick to my stomach to think that I took it for granted even for such a short time.

I almost felt like I was pregnant again chanting little thoughts to myself such as "get a grip", or "don't cry". And I'm not pregnant by the way. But amidst all the negative thoughts and emotions, I have done so much soul searching. The good kind of soul searching, the really raw, uninterupted, unintimidated, unbiased thoughts. I've thought about our family and how dear it is to me, not in just an affectionate way, but as in blessing. Like, straight from God blessing. Straight from God, blows me away.

I've thought about my ideals and goals. Am I truly, prayerfully guided, or am I just trying to keep up with the Jones'. I don't want to have a big family just because it's cool right now, or go to the church I do because it's comfortable. I want to be led by conviction and desire, healthy desire, conviction, and passion. Man, I get frustrated at my own thoughts when I'm writing now, thinking how intentional my actions need to be versus what they are. So I will and I do.

I have so much. When I was little, my mom always used to say what I think is a Bible verse, but I don't know the reference or can't even say for sure that it is, regardless "To whom much is given, much is required". I understood it in a different way when I was young, much different, than I do now. I know I've tried to explain it to Eden several times in the past and her response is probably similar to what mine was back then, "well, Micah's not lucky". But he is, she is, and I am. Lucky. Or if that goes against your spiritual grain, blessed.

So, I think I'm out of the pit of despair so to say. My mind is focused on things that are true, honest, and just. Thankfully. I know this is a mental cycle that will probably keep circling my whole life. I'm embarrassed to admit my flaws but so thankful to see a few of them behind me for now. Hindsight's always 20/20.