Why do I want chaos?

I know that God has been teaching me lately

to be still

and quiet

and less busy

to rest

to be open

to whatever He has in store for me.

 it's easier said than done.

life has been hard up until just lately

for over a year

really hard

emotionally draining

 and now it's just

peaceful.

and for some reason

that's hard for me right now

 what I loved about the chaos and being so broken emotionally

was that I was at the feet of Jesus

knowing that I could do nothing

while that's still true,

I find myself distracted

and in tiny moments thinking of my

longing to be at the feet of Jesus.

I want that back.

I want to be physically on my knees,

knowing God

loving God

needing God 

being desperate for Him

Its such a beautiful place to be.