tons of beautiful: Ezra

Showing posts with label Ezra. Show all posts

Two years ago

Two years ago, on this night, I was still in disbelief. We had waited, waited, and waited some more. My hormones had been checked weekly for nearly twenty weeks.
I remember when I used to drive to the hospital in the early morning, just to get there when it opened, praying, pleading with God on my whole drive. Then I'd wait the day away waiting for the number to come back in the afternoon. Eventually, my prayers turned to sobs then anxiety, and the drive to the hospital became excruciating.
Over and over and over again, the same news, bad news.

The "bad" hormones, the miscarriage, the molar pregnancy, it changed me forever.

It changed how I go through pregnancy, and it stole my joy of pregnancy. I would never be giddy with excitement at the weekly milestones. But instead I would distance myself from those thoughts about my baby. I never wanted to prep baby clothes, only purge. Just in case that happy day never came. I wasn't bitter, but I ached. An ache so deep, I don't think I'll ever forget how it felt.

But it taught me so much. It taught me empathy, to cry with all those other women who know the same pain. And it taught me so much about hope. That is the whole miracle in this story, hope.

And two years ago, I was about to be overwhelmed by hope.

Ezra is two tomorrow.

I look back now and it seems so long ago, but it wasn't. And when I think about it, I can still remember how badly my heart ached.

Life is so fragile, so tender. And I know not all stories end up how mine did. To all my friends who are pregnant, or who desire to be more than anything else, I'm praying for you tonight.
Ezra's two tomorrow, and I still can't believe it. I'm always so emotional on my kids birthdays. It just keeps going and going, and I want time to just slow a little so I can soak it all in a bit more.

blog shmog

I think I may be the worst blog writer ever. Every time I think of coming back to this space though, I feel as though I need to write some sort of excuse. And that, actually keeps me from it. No more excuses, just great big gaps of time because this mama is busy and tired.

I think what I love the most about reading blogs is the characters and the stories. So often, I want to look back on here and see the ups and downs just to feel like life is normal to go like that. It is. Being 21 weeks pregnant right now, I'm so wishing I had documented pregnancy with this little monkey.

He's such a joy. Seriously, he's the most dependent child we've had yet, but I love it. I think when we went through miscarriage and all that yucky fertility stuff, it changed my heart and my brain forever. I think God made me a little more patient for the time being. A little more attached as a mom and a little more intentional. I think the longing changed my brain. Please don't get me wrong, we have super hard days where I had this one over to Mike the minute he walks in the door from work.

And my sweet girl. She can push buttons I never knew I had. She talks about her birthday every day. Seriously. EVERY. DAY. And her favorite stuffed animal. I feel so guilty when she does because I'm anti-stuffed animals. Space, dirt, stuffed animals, it's just not a good combo.

And Micah. Taunting, teasing, Micah. He has a sweet heart but he loves to tease his little brother into oblivion. So, yeah, we have hard days.

But we also have some really good ones.

I think the past two days, Eden and Micah have both said to me that "this is the best day of my life". I love that, and want to feel that and believe that every day too.

I still get impatient, and sometimes I'm rude to my kids, but I think I have the frailty of life in the front of my brain and not the back. I remember when I was pregnant with Ezra, I would constantly tell myself that I'd celebrate when I held him in my arms. I feel like I have ever since. It's all so short, and not to be taken for granted, this beautiful life.

A goal and a simple start

I've often wondered how to get back to this little space that I used to love to look back on. When I do have the time, this blog has been one of the last places I want to go to. But when I look back, it's so fun to capture the memories with only a few minutes of time.
In 2014, Ezra was born in January, and I feel as though I hardly took any pictures because of always having a baby in my arms. I wouldn't trade the pictures because I love that sweet time, but I know I can do better this year. My posts may be short and concise, but it'll be better than nothing. So, here's to more pictures, more stored memories.

January 10th

Ezra's first birthday. His humble little party was already started downstairs, yet he was sound asleep in his afternoon nap. Just love him so much.

January 21st

Eden didn't like how Ezra was obsessed with her baby. So, she gave him an old one. He's obsessed with poking the eyes, but other than that, I don't think he's a huge baby doll fan.

January 23rd

There are legos everywhere in my house. I try to limit the rooms they're in, but even that doesn't work. Micah's in heaven in this picture with his two favorite things: Eden and legos.

January 23rd

Ezra, my little mess maker. Always. (See all the legos in the background?)

6 months already

I can't believe my baby's six months old today.

I say it nearly everyday to Mike, the old saying: the days are long, the years are short.

I remember the day of his birth like it happened an hour ago.

And the transition that Ezra made into our family was beautiful.

There is really no other way to put it.

He is absolutely adored by Eden and Micah.

And he's never in need of attention, I love that.

Eden changes diapers frequently, and Micah just learned how last

week. It's not something I ask of them, mind you, it's all them.

My little family, so in love with each one of them, and so thankful to God for the gift they are.

Ezra is such a journey. Here he is six months old, yet his journey began almost two years ago. A miracle, absolute miracle.

Love you so much baby.

The year that changed everything...for the better

This past year is nothing short of miraculous. I've been looking back on journal entries and cannot believe the hurdles that I'm now looking back on. Pregnancy, grace, homeschooling, grace, grace, and Ezra, just to sum up a few of the mental milestones.

But of those, homeschooling, has taught me so much. I don't think homeschooling is for everyone and I definitely don't think it's above any other choice. It was something we wanted to try, and wow, am I ever glad we did.

I remember, maybe starting last July, sitting on our loveseat every single night with Mike. I was tired, that was a given with pregnancy, but I was so weary. I was intimidated to start homeschooling, because I felt like I had so much on my plate already. But it's always been something that I wanted to do so badly. And every single night, we would sit, I would be emotional, and then we would pray. Every. Single. Night.

I hope I never forget that.

We prayed for peace, among other things, about the whole decision, and God definitely answered that request.

I've changed a lot. I feel like I'm almost ashamed of my parenting and what it used to be. Or maybe I'm ashamed at what I thought it was. Everything used to be so black and white to me, so straightforward. Not now.

Maybe that seems backwards to some. But everything is so gray to me now, and all that gray, is grace. It's everywhere. And if I treat my kids for one day how my heavenly Father treats me, it's a win. Yes, there is consequenses for disobedience, but it's through love.

I used to hold back, a lot. Just hold my relationships with my kids at an arms length.

And I could see it, from the outside looking in.
Like "I'm your parent, and I can't be your friend right now, because I'm too busy being your parent".

And I just wanted to scream at myself, "life is too short".

I don't hold my love at an arms length anymore, and it's liberating. I used to think that there's no way I could love them any more, and I do. And when I'm so weary and so talked out, and so physically exhausted, and I feel like I can't give any more, that is when grace shows up again.

The most beautiful parenting moments that I have happen when I think I have nothing left to give and I give one big

I'll never forget one day when I was in the midst of learning all of this. Eden was being sassy and I sent her up to her room. I knew I had to teach her what I'd been learning, so I called from the bottom of the stairs for her to come and talk to me. She sassed me again as she came out and I will never forget that moment of feeling "there's no way in the world I can do this". But I prayed. And God led me into one of the most beautiful parenting moments that I've ever had.

She came down and I had a talk with her about what grace was. I told her what she deserved for her actions and we discussed what a suitable punishment should be.

She was somber, but she understood.

Then, I took a pack of skittles out of my pocket and gave them to her.

She looked at me like I as crazy.

And I told her she wasn't going to get the punishment, she was going to get skittles instead.

Great parenting, I know, I know.

She started crying really softly and I knew she understood.

I knew she got it.

Or how Micah decided he wanted to read. So I began working with him on it. He would be sounding out words and look up at me with his big gray eyes and tell me "I'm gonna make you happy."
Oh bud, you have no idea how happy you make me.