Today

today is mother's day.

i think i thought about it more this year than in other years gone by.

perhaps it's because the mess in this house is just atrocious.

and i'm not exaggerating.

i was picking up rocks in the house,

not gravel, not sand, full size rocks.

i cleaned off the table last night that hasn't been cleaned since wednesday,

and i can't even get to my hoard of a laundry pile without stepping on ten dress up outfits and four trucks. it's pretty bad.

but i get to do it.

i get to be a mom.

 i think i thought about it more this week because it's almost the one year birthday of our baby.

the one we didn't get to hold.

the one i didn't get to spoil, and cuddle, and dote on.

and it makes me think about all the other hurting hearts out there.

the ones whose stories didn't end up how mine did.

the ones who have that ache in their heart and empty hands.

even though i don't think my house has ever been a bigger mess,

i'm glad.

i get to be a mom, and i get to have this mess,

and i get to have my arms full of a chubby little boy,

and very close by there's a little girls who always loves to be touching, 

and a three year old who's testing my patience.

my story isn't over, but it's come out so happy.

my ache in my heart is still there, but my arms are full.

praying for all those who are aching today, for those who are desperate to be mamas.

Break's over

My blogging break is over and I'm glad. I miss writing, recapping my memories of the sweet and sour things that fill our days and time. I love looking back, seeing the places we've come from and where we're headed.

I keep telling Mike that I need to make that sign I see everywhere "the days are long, the years are short". So true. When I think about our day to day, not much changes. Eden loves dress up, rolling her eyes, noodles, Ezra, high heels, dolls, and Frozen. Micah loves Spiderman, whales, riding his bike, clothes, bad guys, blue and Ezra. Ezra loves to sleep at night, milk, his thumb, to pull out his hair on the side of his head, and grunting.
It seems like they've loved those things forever. Yet Eden's not obsessed with tapirs anymore and Micah can now say "washcloth". Ezra doesn't sleep all the time, and now is starting to laugh. So much changes, but in the day to day, it seems so long.

What a treat to watch it before my very eyes. To witness their little lives unfold, to watch the stages come and go. Man, I'm blessed.

Her

Eden's had a hard time since Ezra's come along. She has her sweet moments, but the sassiness has reached an all time high and a new game has been put into play--manipulation. It drives me crazy! Most days I can handle it though. I either ignore it or tell her that such things just aren't true. It depends on how much I feel like talking. When I'm tired though, I believe her. I get so discouraged in my parenting and feel like it's a reflection of me as her mom. I believe the lies.
When I went to mom's group this past Thursday, one of the mom's shared a little story that she'd gotten in an email. It goes:

It was advertised that the devil was putting his tools up for sale. When the day of the

sale came, each tool was priced and laid out for public inspection. And what a collection

it was. Hatred, envy, jealousy, deceit or pride…the inventory was treacherous. Off to one

side was a harmless-looking tool priced higher than all the rest, even though it was

obviously more worn than any other tool the devil owned. “What’s the name of this tool?”

asked one of the customers. “That,” the devil replied, “is discouragement.”

The customer asked, “But why have you priced it so high?” The devil smiled and

explained, “Because discouragement is more useful to me than all the others.

I can pry open and get inside a man’s heart with that tool when I can’t get near

him with any other. It’s badly worn because I use it on almost everyone, since so

few people know it belongs to me.

I love this. After sharing some of these hardships with my mom and with Mike, we all concluded that Eden needed some extra attention. My spirit was willing but my flesh was so weak on this one. I love time to myself, or time to do projects. But selflessness is my calling as a mother.
On Saturday morning around 6, we were all up. I told her at about 6:10 that her and I were going to spend a little time together, just the two of us. I think she was ready to go at 6:11. We went to the coffee shop right down the road, perhaps two or three blocks away. She ordered a hot chocolate and a chocolate chip cookie the size of our dinner plates. We sat, we talked, and I cried.
She is so precious to me, my beautiful girl. I love the sparkle in her eyes, and the joy she exudes. She's a contagious person. I sat there, taking her all in. Thinking how could I've been so silly not to see that she needs this so bad. She needs just me sometimes. My time, my energy, my touch, all uninterrupted. It was good.
So good.
We decided to make these little coffee dates a regular thing in our week. Saturday mornings.
I'm looking forward to it.

*photo taken by my friend Julie

My hormonal perspective

I can't decide if I haven't felt inspiration lately 

or if its consumed me.

My energy level isn't what it normally is, 

and with a baby due in ten days, 

I'm sure it's normal.

We've had more mother-daughter and mother-son talks 

in the last month than I think we've had the whole year. 

My body is so tired, 

so sore and hurting,

 but I'm savoring the moments at hand.

Our days in the house seem so long, 

the fighting seems incessant,

tattling keeps coming though I ignore it,

Micah still jumps off everything imaginable,

and Eden thinks she's a parent.

Micah throws temper tantrums and seems to cry at everything, 

and Eden has a mouth on her that flings me into the future by ten years.

But, I'm in love.

I'm in love with Micah and will never tire of drying his tears.

And I'm in love with Eden and can't wait for her hug after she realizes she's done wrong and she goes on like nothing ever happened.

I'm relishing the moments.

Some of my last with only two kids.

Where we squeeze on the love seat and read books for an hour,

or bake something out of the blue.

I love how we do devotions in the morning 

and pray together while I hold and rub their little hands.

I love how we're close, all day.

I love how the library is part of our weekly routine

and how Eden loves pajama days.

I love how the kids look forward to their sibling

saying they want a brother one day and a sister the next.

I love how they talk about the baby

and what their little roles will be.

And I especially love to watch their face 

when I put their little hand on my tummy and they feel the movement.

Winter kind of seems like a boot camp for behavior.

We're stuck with each other, in a small space, and we learn to thrive with each other.

It seems like life is easier in the summer.

Like the sunshine puts that extra skip in our step,

and we're humming or singing to everything we do.

But this is different, 

and I know we go through it every year.

I'm not complaining, 

because it means being with two little people 

that I love uncontrollably day in and day out. 

I get to learn them better. 

And I get to study them more.

I know what will follow certain looks.

I learn new things that excite them.

I anticipate what emotions are coming,

and there's growth, all around.

This winter, so far, I've watched them become best friends.

I've watched them miss each other when one is gone for minutes,

and I've thanked God for answering that prayer.

We have our days

and we definitely have our moments.

But even the not so great moments equal up to incredible days,

because I got to see it, I got to experience it, I got to be a part of it.

And that, I wouldn't trade for anything.

Not anything in the world.

Virtues and naughtiness

Wow. It's been so long since I've blogged.

I've missed it, but it never seems to fit into the day.

Between homeschooling, and kicking things into a pile on the floor 

so I only have to bend once, I'm tired. 

I've got six more weeks of pregnancy, and I'm just struggling for normalcy every day.

I'm huge, and that's not my personal opinion, it's everyone's.

People are nice when they think you're due in the next day or two,

so that part is fine with me.

Life has been good though.

So good.

I look back on where we were last year, and my heart just swells with gratitude.

So thankful to God that we can look back and say that we grew through it all.

But onto these little ones:

Eden's maturing.

Obviously.

But it's so cool as a parent to watch things progress, to watch as thoughts sink in.

She cried at her first movie last week, and also decided she was ready to have her ears pierced.

She gives her little brother portions of her dessert because she "really wants to be nice",

and has told me lately that I'm beautiful though I feel anything but.

Today she helped Micah get on his shoes when I had no patience and just walked away, she rubbed his back and spoke kind, gentle words to him.

Teaching me and showing me how I should've responded instead of how I did.

It's amazing.

Life's not always peachy by any means, and we have our fair share of issues around here.

But the good is so abundant and I can't remember a day lately where I haven't cried tears of joy

over the blessings God has given me (yes, that's probably hormones). 

Micah's been sweet lately too.

 He's pretty emotional, and at times, it seems to get the best of him.

Today, though, I cried on the way home from the store.

We were in an aisle, I was looking for the perfect snack.

Another lady came along, ordinary from the outside. 

Lately we've been talking a lot around here about how people are beautiful no matter how we see them.

How God made every person and He made them beautiful

I never know if Micah's listening, but apparently he is.

This lady walked down the aisle, perusing just as we were.

Micah looked at her and said "You are so beautiful".

The lady looked like she might cry, and then I thought I might (those hormones, I'm telling you).

She said, "I've just had the worst day, and you made it so much better."

My heart just soared.

My little boy teaching me.

Just to keep things real though, about ten minutes earlier, he was throwing the fit of a life time.

I love it.

I'm blessed beyond anything I could've ever imagined.

I think that thought often as I hear "mommy" called out by little voices.

Micah thinks I don't have any other name than that.

I love it.

Not my smartest moment

I thought by this time of the year, I'd be out digging in the dirt with the kids.

We'd have a little garden, with little sprouts coming up, that's what I thought.

My, my, how wrong I've been.We had snow yesterday.

But this in the picture, that's not snow.

That, my friend, is down feathers.

See, in all our cooped upness, I decided a project was in order.

A window seat to be exact. 

I took a down blanket that drove me absolutely crazy, 

and I cut it open in my house.

I had no idea, if you want to make a window seat, take your down blankets outside before you cut them up. You'll save yourself so much effort and time.

Eden likes it when I have these 'not so smart moments'. 

I think she think I'm more fun.

Kinda true.

It's laughable when you do silly things.

Besides a house covered in down feathers, which by the way

resembles dust bunnies, the window seat turned out just how I imagined.

It's now become the most treasured sitting spot, and I love that.

Our bunny Eyelash is right out the window too, so the kids

just sit and watch her and talk to her through the window.

So, there you have it, not my smartest moment,

but our coziest little seat.

A quote I love

Yesterday I went to my moms' group and loved it. I never really feel like going, but am always so glad that I did. There were two things that really stuck with me. One was "what sacrifices are you willing to make for your child?" I've been thinking a lot about this, and of course, time -for any mom is a great sacrifice, but I think I can do more. More teaching, more patience, more excitement, more silliness, I know I can do that.

The other thing that really hit a soft spot in my heart was this quote from Erma Bombeck:

"I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you’re both breathless…they crash…you add a longer tail…they hit the rooftop…you pluck them out of the spout. You patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they’ll fly.

 "Finally they are airborne, but they need more string and you keep letting it out. With each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy because the kite becomes more distant, and somehow you know that it won’t be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together and will soar as it was meant to soar…free and alone.

Only then do you know that you did your job."

I love that.
And I don't think I'll ever forget it.
It's a huge job, being a mom.
But it goes so fast, too fast.
Hold on, and enjoy the ride.

It's tough

This week, I scoured the classified jobs in the Sunday paper. For me. I'm a jack of many trades. Waitress, lifeguard, day care, corporate, you name it, I've probably worked it. You see, my job right now is hard.
I've been putting in some long hours and they've been so strenuous. I haven't gotten a raise, and no one has told me I'm doing a good job. The people that I'm in charge of are demanding, to say the least. They complain, whine, and it seems like I never do anything that pleases them.
That's how I felt a couple of days ago. That's why I picked up the classifieds.
But here's the clincher, I can't quit this job.
I know that I'm the best there is for the people that I'm in charge of. I've worked with them so long, I know how they tick, and often I can predict what mood will swing next. Every other job I've had, I just could quit when it got hard. But not this one.
This is the hardest job I've ever had in my life. My computer skills don't matter, and neither does my degree in communications. My book knowledge means squat, and my IQ, I don't know what it is, but it doesn't matter.
See, the things that I lack are what I need: patience, love, kindness. Those are things I've read about, but haven't ever had a job where they mattered before. In fact, it seemed like the people who had the least of those rose the highest to the top. With this job I have right now, everything goes against the grain.
I need patience, when both kids are screaming, when they won't go to bed, and when I only want a minute of peace. I need love to explain simple words, to read books when it's the last thing I want to do, and cuddle when I don't want to be touched. And I need kindness, mixed with love and patience. I need it so bad, in the tone of my voice, and in my actions that are being watched.
Being a mom is tough. Beyond tough actually.
Every day that is hard, I know why: selfishness. It's the hardest thing for me to conquer. It's never my kids, it's me. Sure, they have bad days, but they're just discovering this life, they're just learning as they go. I know better.
I know that in order to love purely, it has to be selfless. In order to be kind, I have to put others before myself, and in order to be patient, I have to be understanding. Have to.
The other day, when I was reading the classifieds, I put it down and I realized how blessed I am.
This job. It's a dream job.
It's what I dreamed of doing while I was working every other job I had. And I love it. These little people, they're amazing. Eden and I yesterday had this incredible conversation about unicorns and narwhals. It's one of those conversations that's so beautiful, you replay it over and over. I did, to get sleep.

And Micah, he whispers "mommy, daddy" when he's most content and has started making faces just to get people to laugh.

Eden just learned what the word jealous means, and tries to use it correctly while Micah brings me books at the most random moments and says "read this". They're such simple things, but they are so incredible. They are the most beautiful people.
They've taught me more than any high school or college. They've brought me deeper into thoughts than any book, and they've grown me in ways I've never thought possible. That's what I do.
That's my job. And I'm so glad it is.

Simple

It looks like Eden and I are rolling, well, do I have to type it? It's actually challa. Her favorite book right now is "It's Challa Time". We aren't Jewish, but we do enjoy teaching the kids about other cultures and practices and this one, well, she took a liking to.
I have to admit, having our little mother daughter date to go to the grocery store to get our ingredients and holding hands down the aisle had me bursting with joy, love, and any other positive word you can associate with mommyhood.
When we all went out later in the day to run a few errands, we let Eden choose who to go with. We were splitting up for bedtime's sake and Eden chose me. You have to understand what a little daddy's girl she is, to know how unlikely a choice that is, but I was ecstatic.
She clonked out in the car about two minutes after she made her choice.
These are the memories that I hold so close to my heart, the little, simple things that can easily be forgotten.

The most beautiful day

This is me tonight: making Christmas cookies, listening to Bon Iver, praying for Mike as he takes his final, and enjoying not talking aloud. 

I have been choosing to do the things that make me happy at night for this past week. Be it calling a friend, wrapping presents, starting yet another project, it's been relief.

I haven't been looking at it as the things I have to do, simply the things that make me happy.

Somehow laundry will probably never fit in my perfect equation, so there goes that out the window.

*

But things that make me happy:

We had some visitors today, and the kids skipped their naps. It's not ideal, but memories are. When they left, Micah fussed, nursed, and clonked out.

Thinking it's been a while since Eden's had the opportunity to hold her "little" sleeping brother, I asked her if she'd like to. She beamed with joy at the idea.

She was so gentle, pushing his hair back, stroking his face.

She even began to sing "Hush Little Baby", but her singing got a little carried away, and he began to stir. She quickly quieted her voice not wanting this moment to pass her by.

She talked about how chubby he was, and how he was such a baby. 

It was a moment that I soaked in to my core.

Eden always talks about how Micah has no eyebrows. He does, they're just light.

She touched them, but still didn't believe they were there.

She chatted quietly and rubbed his head a little excessive.

"You're safe," she wispered.

*

Gonna keep this one in the front of my mind for a while.

So quiet, so real, and all so perfect.

Let it shine, let it shine

Eden sang on Sunday in church. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, I was proud. 

There were a few moments that scared me, like when she started lifting up her dress, but she did wonderful. After a loooong week last week, it was such a beautiful beginning to a new start of a week.

Love these moments.

Whew!

This has been quite the week. I don't think I've ever had my patience tested like I have this week. It's hard when things have to get done, we don't have a tidy house, but I can't let it go to filth. Hard to believe, isn't it? that a little person this darling could test my patience.

As a stay at home mom, I find my self-worth constantly challenged. I love what I do, and I know that it's what right for my family. When the days are hard, the big picture is so blurry to me.

But when I have a moment of peace, I know the big picture. The big picture for our family is confident, strong, God-loving kids. Kids who have an example to follow and little ones that are encouraged to practice kindness at every corner.

I have a scrappy little piece of paper hanging on my fridge that I think of nearly every day. It's ripped out the back of a Real Simple magazine from years ago, it says, "Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind." (Henry James)

So, I am reminded. When Micah poops for the sixth time in a day, Eden gets sassy, there's four loads of laundry unfolded, food is on the floor, and sippy's are spilling on the carpet, I will remember the big picture. I will remember kindness and God's love, and I will be the example to follow.

P.S. I only have two more little details until Eden's room is complete. Hallelujah! It's gorgeous, and I'll be sharing it soon.

Keeping it real

I feel like there are two kinds of people: those who read blogs, and those who don't. I read blogs.

The inspiration, ideas, and knowledge is vast in the world of blogging, but so are a lot of other icky things. I have a reading list of blogs, some that I make the time to read and love, and others that I read when I want to just read.

Today I read a blog just to read and found myself constantly comparing myself afterwards. My parenting, my mothering, you name it. It didn't feel good. 

I'm not a big-time blogger, and that's fine by me. I started this whole thing to keep track of my memories. To jot on a whim and share with family who's far away (but they don't read it). 

When I compare myself to some super moms whose blogs I read, I realize there are a lot of things I'm not: I'm not a mega-party planner with the cutest party that would make anyone envious,

I'm not organized, my house is never clean, I'm never caught up on laundry, my counters are rarely de-cluttered. I don't have my kids involved with groups of activities and I don't adore playgroups. 

My kids rarely match and they don't have the cutest clothes. We aren't always hugging and loving on each other and we get mad, and yes, I yell.

Whew! But after realizing my negativity, I realized there are a lot of things I am: I am always there for my husband and kids, I'm always doing a project though they're everywhere and that's why it's always a mess, and I love truly knowing my kids. 

I know that Eden truly needs to be held and cuddled during the day and that Micah loves to have his feet smelled. 

I know that Eden adores art and treasures little material things most like little notes on cute paper. 

I know that Micah is obsessed with saying "Bbbbbbbbeee" and thinks he saying bird and is so proud of himself.

I know that Eden loves to work on "school" and is so eager and teachable to learn.

I know that Micah seeks out danger and loves to get a rise by doing crazy stunts.

I know that yesterday was so crazy, but there was no one in the world (besides Mike) who could've been there for my kids.

I know I'm a good mom, not perfect, by any means, but I'm trying my darndest to please Jesus by raising my kids for Him.

I'm not fancy, and we don't do crazy cool things. We have so much fun though.

So much fun that I miss them like crazy when they nap and I love being needed by them.

Nothing fancy, just simple, deep love.

That's me, being real.

Right this minute

...life couldn't be any sweeter.

Love the mess

This picture was taken a while ago back when we were still in our condo. It's a mess, but it's typical. Laundry, toys, snack crumbs, spilling sippy, you name it, it's probably on the floor or stuck on the bottom of your foot.

Now bear with me here and keep that mess in your mind. Last night, I tucked the kids in bed. I don't know what it is about a sleeping child, but it's just the most beautiful thing and I love it. For some reason, when I see my kids sleeping, I just have these revelations. My mind goes through their birth, the sound of their laugh, hard moments, proud moments, first words, tiny tears, splashing baths, I think about it all. It happens in only a few minutes, but I just stand there frozen. I can't help myself to kiss them, tell them I love them and kiss them again. I love tender moments if you don't know that already.

Last night as I tucked the kids in, and thought all the thoughts I think when I do this, I had a bit of a turning point. I want to be like my kids in that every day is new, every day is fun. There are no "bad" days to them, only me. Once again they teach me, and I will strive to be like them.

Today I tried to ignore the mess, and I mostly did. I had a tea party with Eden during Micah's nap and I didn't even try to organize play food while I did it. We talked about our kinds of tea, I told her mine was minty and she said hers was "strawberry-banana-sun-sational-lemon-meringue". (Seriously, she said that.) The phone started ringing and I consciously made the effort and succeeded not to answer. We continued with our tea party, and played on.

When I had one-on-one time with Micah, we worked on words. He's so darling, and I love how he "talks". He's such a boy in his actions, and loves kisses. He's so extreme and I love that we just hung out. We didn't work around each other, but I was intentional in my time with him.

Today, I loved the mess. Tomorrow, I'm going to love it too. Despite the rice krispies stuck on the bottom of my foot, or the play food that is in every room of the house, I will love the mess.
And to think, all because of tucking them into bed last night.

That's what it's all about... not the Hokey Pokey

Today I got some much needed alone time. 
I went and picked out some craft supplies, and with everything I picked up I thought, "Eden would love to do this" or "me and Eden would have so much fun making this together". 
I moved on and went to a clothing store, I saw hoards of Hello Kitty merchandise and thought fondly of Eden, saw some darling little boy slippers and pictured them on Micah. My stomach started to grumble a little and I thought of Mike, wondering if he would like the dinner that I had prepared for him. I found it amusing that while I was "alone", my mind could never be. My family is my world and are constantly in my thoughts.

When I got home, I couldn't help but toot the horn when I pulled up in the drive. When I did, Mike started flashing the flood lights, I know, we're mature. It felt like my two hours away had been forever. It sounds crazy, but that's what love is.

Micah ran to me, aching to be held, Mike planted a big juicy kiss, and Eden had her finest dress up clothes layered on. She pranced around, waiting for a compliment. 

After I washed my hands, I sought her out, sitting on the bottom step. Her little princess dress was everywhere and she had on my old kitten heels. Her crown was crooked and her little magic star wand that I made her had a pull of fuzz coming out of it. She was stunning. Seriously.

I started to cry and and as I did Micah tottled over to me. He climbed on my lap and I thought back to conversations that I had with Mike about Eden when she was a baby, or perhaps near the same age as Micah. I remember talking about how I couldn't wait to have conversations with her, hear her thoughts, ask her questions about what's going on in her little mind. So, after I cried a few thankful tears, we had a little conversation. We have hundreds of them a day, but for some reason this one was really special. We connected. 

Those tiny little moments are so incredible to me, and that's really what it's all about.