As a mom...

I never imagined the lack of sleep,

how I could never wear black or white,

how my food would never be "my" food.

I never thought I'd be talking nonstop,

or have read through hundreds of books.

I never knew that cuddling would soothe my weary soul, 

and that's it usually me that's in a phase and not my child.

ahhhh, this life.

this amazing, beautiful life.

clinging to the robe of Christ and at the feet of Jesus every day,

learning to love beyond myself.

ahhhh, this amazing, beautiful life.

Thankful

There's so much that I have to be thankful.

I'm overwhelmed at times, by the amount of my to do's, 

but when I take a step back, whoa.

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I'm thankful for Jesus.

For dying for me, loving me, I'd be a pretty big wreck without Him.

He's my peace in the chaos of every day,

the reason that I do what I do.

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Ezra.

I think I could type just that and no more.

He's naughty as all get out, but he's also the sweetest little boy.

I love how he says "Mom! Shame on you" then he'll race you to the stairs and scream "race you". 

Told you he was naughty! He builds play fires everywhere by dumping everything everywhere and calling it a "hot fire", and if that doesn't keep him busy enough, he'll get a pair of scissors and cut up a piece of paper into about four million pieces. He's little and so squishy still, I can't help but pull him into my arms all the time. I whisper to him "I love you so much, do you love me?" to which he always responds, "no, love daddy".

Jude, or as I like to say in my deep woman voice, Judy.

My baby.

My boy who loves to climb and cuddle. He's stronger than any other baby I've had, or perhaps I'm just weaker. He loves being held, more than anything, and he raises his hands whenever he hears music, even in his car seat. It's darling. He's constantly on the prowl for an open bathroom door so he can check out the toilet, and standing on the table is his new fun game.

Eden.

I'm not even sure where to begin. She's the second mommy of the house, in more ways than just helping! She's like my right hand. My creative pursuer, shoe obsessed, lip gloss lover. She's fun, funny, slightly rude, book loving, school loving girl.

Micah Gray!

I've been yelling saying that a lot lately. I love this picture, it also reminds me of how much he's changed in months. The day after he turned six, all things became silly. All. The. Time. He's caring, affectionate, and totally unable to sit down. He's slightly obsessed with Jude, legos, and Star Wars.

Michael.

My rock.

I've needed him more this past year than in our eleven years of marriage combined. He's been there for me when no one else has and he's  loved me, I mean really really loved me.

He's shown me grace when I've messed up, and I just can't even put into words how thankful I am for him.

Two years ago

Two years ago, on this night, I was still in disbelief. We had waited, waited, and waited some more. My hormones had been checked weekly for nearly twenty weeks.
I remember when I used to drive to the hospital in the early morning, just to get there when it opened, praying, pleading with God on my whole drive. Then I'd wait the day away waiting for the number to come back in the afternoon. Eventually, my prayers turned to sobs then anxiety, and the drive to the hospital became excruciating.
Over and over and over again, the same news, bad news.

The "bad" hormones, the miscarriage, the molar pregnancy, it changed me forever.

It changed how I go through pregnancy, and it stole my joy of pregnancy. I would never be giddy with excitement at the weekly milestones. But instead I would distance myself from those thoughts about my baby. I never wanted to prep baby clothes, only purge. Just in case that happy day never came. I wasn't bitter, but I ached. An ache so deep, I don't think I'll ever forget how it felt.

But it taught me so much. It taught me empathy, to cry with all those other women who know the same pain. And it taught me so much about hope. That is the whole miracle in this story, hope.

And two years ago, I was about to be overwhelmed by hope.

Ezra is two tomorrow. 

I look back now and it seems so long ago, but it wasn't. And when I think about it, I can still remember how badly my heart ached.

Life is so fragile, so tender. And I know not all stories end up how mine did. To all my friends who are pregnant, or who desire to be more than anything else, I'm praying for you tonight.
Ezra's two tomorrow, and I still can't believe it. I'm always so emotional on my kids birthdays. It just keeps going and going, and I want time to just slow a little so I can soak it all in a bit more.

Our littlest: Jude Wolf

Last Friday, I called Mike to come home from work. 

It was time.

 The littlest person of our family, Jude Wolf, joined us last Friday, September 25th at 8:05 p.m.

He is so beautiful, I feel like I can't take in enough of him, and

my head is still in the clouds with this tiny bundle.

 It's hard to put into words what bringing life into this world is like.

I just can't believe that God has blessed us as He has.

I give Him all the glory.

 I had so many fears about this labor and birth, so many.

I had so many prayers and requests, yet God answered every single one.

We got home late last Saturday night, another prayer answered, with only being in the hospital 24 hours. And yes, that's a pie in my hand.

Eden couldn't sleep with the anticipation of Jude coming home, I don't blame her.

I feel like I haven't slept in a week because of the same reason.

And in the morning, everyone couldn't wait to see him.

 This picture above is one of my favorites, with all my favorite people, thank you Dad, for capturing it.

I am blessed beyond words.

Welcome home Jude!

So not a saleswoman

I have debated long and hard about writing this post. I'm not a salesy person, and I probably never will be. I think everyone has their own opinion of things, and I usually don't try to change it. UNLESS, it's life changing!
I really don't think there are that many things in life that truly are. With the exception of Jesus, duh! of course I will stand and argue for that cause any day.
But lately, there's something else, not near the impact of Jesus, but the health benefits are pretty amazing. Some of you will roll your eyes at this point, oh well with you, it's Young Living essential oils. It's so popular right now, I know, and I've talked to many people about them. Most people are either eye rollers or else they're sold just by sniffing and testing a few on their skin.
Our family was introduced by our pediatrician. She's more holistic than most pediatricians, but also happens to be part of the American Academy of Pediatrics. She would always suggest an oil that could promote sleep, or maintain a healthy immune system. Her office holds regular essential oil classes and sells Young Living essential oils.
It just so happened that I was going in there more often than I liked with three kids in tow, just to buy more oils. I finally decided I had to sign up for myself, and am so thankful I did.

It's been an education process, but I love it, and the kids love learning about it too. How different oils promote different things in your body is truly amazing. It's been cool too, to see their transition to a more healthy, holistic life. This summer, it seems the bug bites were constant, and they'd consistently come to me asking for "itch cream" aka benadryl cream or the like. Doesn't that look awful?

After trying oil only once or twice, they're request became "can you please put oil on me?".
I love that I know what's going into their skin instead of all these chemicals that I can't pronounce the names. It's really cool.
I've learned a lot on my own, just by doing my own research, and I want to make the total switch to being a chemical free house. It's a slow process starting out, but so rewarding knowing that I'm doing something good for my family.
I would love to share this wonderful journey with others. The health benefits are amazing, and you really can't argue that point at all. To sign up, go to youngliving.com, from there, go to "BECOME A MEMBER" at the top left of the screen. I would highly suggest signing up as a distributor, you get 24% off of retail prices. With this option, you do need to buy a premium starter kit, but it's worth it, and ah-maz-ing. You won't regret it. The frankincense oil alone, makes the price worth it. If you would please put my member number in the "Who Introduced you" section on that first page. For the enroller and sponsor, put in 3081678, for both of those sections.
If you do sign up as a distributor, you have the option of being a part of Essential Rewards. I so didn't understand this when I signed up, and wished I had someone walk me through it. Basically, you put in an automated, fixed order every month. Trust me, you'll have lots you want to order! After your second month, you get 10% back on most things you buy, to spend on oils. It's a win-win if you ask me.
For those who do sign up, I'm giving and sending a set of four dryer balls to you. These have been one of those steps for us in eliminating chemicals. They're balls, made entirely of wool, roving wool, that replace dryer sheets. With a drop of lavender oil on each, I've found they give as much scent as a dryer sheet, but it's natural. So you don't have all the chemicals from your dryer sheets on your clothes, which then in turn are on your skin. Not only that, they're economical, and with four dryer balls, it reduces your drying time of your laundry.
I honestly have never heard of anyone who has tried Young Living's products, and doesn't love them. Let my confidence, be your first step in your natural and holistic journey.

Spent

i have never been this exhausted, physically and emotionally, in my life

i think it's because I'm pregnant, and constantly chasing Ezra, and breaking up fights, and cleaning, and cooking, and trying to maintain normal

two friends have written me off, that I know of, I suppose it could be more

i want to simplify everything

every week, we take a car load to goodwill

my creativity is bursting at the seams, though my flesh is weak

i'm desperate for life to slow down and at the same time it's crawling at a snails pace

i had to quit exercising this past week, such a bummer, but we go on walks nearly every day

Micah is never without a dress up sword

when I cut the kids fingernails and toenails, that's 60 little nails that I cut!!

i look at Eden and feel overcome with how beautiful she is and grown up she's becoming

i can't wait to give birth to our baby and feel like myself again, I wonder if the friends that wrote me off will realize what pregnancy takes out of you

facebook is dead to me

i envy Micah's joy all the time

my newest aspiration is to start a Bible art journal, it will happen

i don't know what I'd do without Jesus

my husband is a rock

don't know what I'd do without my little family, my whole world

blog shmog

I think I may be the worst blog writer ever. Every time I think of coming back to this space though, I feel as though I need to write some sort of excuse. And that, actually keeps me from it. No more excuses, just great big gaps of time because this mama is busy and tired.

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I think what I love the most about reading blogs is the characters and the stories. So often, I want to look back on here and see the ups and downs just to feel like life is normal to go like that. It is. Being 21 weeks pregnant right now, I'm so wishing I had documented pregnancy with this little monkey.

 He's such a joy. Seriously, he's the most dependent child we've had yet, but I love it. I think when we went through miscarriage and all that yucky fertility stuff, it changed my heart and my brain forever. I think God made me a little more patient for the time being. A little more attached as a mom and a little more intentional. I think the longing changed my brain. Please don't get me wrong, we have super hard days where I had this one over to Mike the minute he walks in the door from work. 

And my sweet girl. She can push buttons I never knew I had. She talks about her birthday every day. Seriously. EVERY. DAY. And her favorite stuffed animal. I feel so guilty when she does because I'm anti-stuffed animals. Space, dirt, stuffed animals, it's just not a good combo. 

And Micah. Taunting, teasing, Micah. He has a sweet heart but he loves to tease his little brother into oblivion. So, yeah, we have hard days.

But we also have some really good ones.

I think the past two days, Eden and Micah have both said to me that "this is the best day of my life". I love that, and want to feel that and believe that every day too.

I still get impatient, and sometimes I'm rude to my kids, but I think I have the frailty of life in the front of my brain and not the back. I remember when I was pregnant with Ezra, I would constantly tell myself that I'd celebrate when I held him in my arms. I feel like I have ever since. It's all so short, and not to be taken for granted, this beautiful life.