My road to Emmaus

A few weeks ago, I think I had a panic attack.

Maybe it wasn't full fledge, but it was the most anxiety that I have ever felt at a given moment.

It's something semi-new to me, being fear struck, and realizing how much control I don't have.

Then, a few days after that episode, I had the exact opposite emotion.

I was reading in my devotions about the road to Emmaus. The passage is in Luke 24 and talks

about how the disciples were on the road to Emmaus talking about Jesus, was he the Son of God and did he rise from the dead. Then a man was walking with them and they were talking, they invited him to dinner, and when he broke bread, they realized, THIS is Jesus.

But quickly, I need to describe the scenario of my so called panic attack.

I remember driving with Mike, clutching his hand, and realizing in only minutes, my life could quickly start another chapter that I had prayed against.

I will never forget Mike praying, and trying so hard to concentrate on his words because my heart, it felt, was just beating out of my chest.

I remember sitting outside of the doctors office, waiting minute by minute. Mike and I not talking,

only looking at each other trying to have hope.

They called me back.

Weighed me.

Took my blood pressure.

Said the doctor would be right in.

More waiting.

He came.

He put the doppler on my stomach after I laid down and Mike and I quickly reached for each others hands. 

Immediately we heard it.

That familiar sound that I longed to hear for so so long.

Our baby's heartbeat.

Mike and I both lost it.

So many happy tears.

The doctor was about to take the doppler off and I asked him to wait.

Just another minute.

Mike and I left there verbally thanking Jesus in the hallway.

The weight of fear, gone.

Just like that.

And what does this have to do with the road to Emmaus?

Alot, actually.

I will never forget when I read that in my devotions that morning.

I brought it over to Mike with tears in my eyes.

So convicted, and shocked that I was.

See, we have prayed for pregnancy for so long.

God answered.

And now here I was, walking with Him, talking with Him, yet not focusing on the enormous blessing that He placed in our lives.

Just like the disciples.

But then, something happened, I read this story in the Bible, and I understood.

There are so many situations that I can apply this to.

God answers prayer, and is so present, it's just me who forgets both of those things.

Pet Peeves

Mike always falls asleep before me. 

I would just lay there and lay there, thinking and thinking,

doing anything but sleeping.

Then, we came up with a little game.

The Pet Peeve game.

We would take turns telling each other

new and old pet peeves.

We would laugh, my mind would

relax, and at last I would sleep.

We haven't told them to each other in a while,

so here are a few new ones, some are silly, some are NOT.

 having to move the trampoline every week to mow the lawn

 my posture, for real, one of my biggest pet peeves, it's plain awful

 these  new "too short" bangs, thanks to my sista

 when Micah wears his helmet like this, it's so safe 

 Eden making this face when she's told to do something

sand in the house, and having gritty barefoot feet in my own home 

 not being able to find scone mix anywhere except World Market

(this seriously does annoy me)

 not having enough time with cousins

rain when we're planning on grilling out

*

now you try

My two little favorite people

Some summer

life around here,

is lots of bike riding in the driveway,

Eden learned to ride without training wheels,

some drum sessions while cleaning the basement,

a tag along bike finally set up,

silly dinnertime still continues,

a few still life pictures of candy,

climbing, hanging, anything to be silly,

and with her, it's always art.

love summer.

and them.

Even in something so small

 Last weekend, we took a little trip up to see my parents. I don't think there is anywhere in the world as relaxing as their house. I always tell Mike that I feel like I even breathe different when we're there.

Being there always gives Mike and I the opportunity to steal away a little time alone.

And every time it's possible, we kayak down the Crystal River.

Mike had to prod me a few more times this past weekend than normal. The air was chilly and the thought of getting wet wasn't super exciting. But the minute we were on the river, I turned and told him that I love this, this time alone, this adventure together.

The river was probably the highest I'd ever seen it, due to all the rain we've had lately. And that made for a little more exciting ride. There were a few new trees down across the river as well, and one in particular caught me by surprise. I couldn't quite make the turn quick enough around the tree, and I abhor going under low brush that's hanging from above. I always imagine I'll be covered in spiders and who knows what else. To avoid going under all the icky stuff, I clung to the tree stump and in seconds Mike t-boned my kayak. Wanting to have a little fun myself, I flung his end of his kayak toward the under brush and just as I anticipated, he flipped.

I laughed for a few seconds just because Mike tipping always makes it seem so adventurous to me. His face when he came up though, quickly changed the pace of moment. He was distraught, I could tell before he even said anything, and he quickly blurted out that he lost his wedding ring. I still was clinging to the tree, feeling bad, it was my fault after all. Knowing the quick current of the river and the depth, I knew it would be impossible to find. I tried to make a few jokes, and even reminded him of our brother in law and how many rings he'd been through. It didn't help the situation, he was distraught.

I did help him look, after I unperched myself from hugging the tree stump. It was almost impossible to see the bottom, my body was freezing from the temp of the water, and my ankle was hurting from walking against the current. I told Mike that I thought we should be done, we'd looked for over twenty minutes. He agreed, and then I prayed, "God, if you want us to find it, make it happen now." I kid you not that I looked down and saw the ring. I quickly said to Mike how cool it would be if we did find it, but I was so scared if I missed it when I went down for it, the current would take it away. I reached and missed. I waited, for the water to clear and for myself to be calm. I reached again, and I got it!

Mike picked me up and I think he was the happiest man in the world. I quickly told him how I prayed, and God answered. It's so small in the scheme of our lives, but such a reminder to me. He cares. So much. It reminds me of Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care."
Even in something so small, He cares, He's there.

Six weeks ago...

...we went to my friends birthday party. I forgot all about these pictures, but I love them.

And him.

Happy Thursday, and yay for the weekend almost being here.

A letter on change

Dear Eden and Micah,

I wrote on my post on Mother's Day about how life is different. Your memories from these early years may be few and far between but I want you to know how it's different. I want you to know how my heart is changed after all we've been through in the past year.

When I was in college for journalism, my professors always used to say, "show, don't tell", and that's what I want to show you. Change.

 A tiny bit over a month ago, Daddy's friend Reza came to visit and stay with us for a very short time. It was hands down one of the highlights of our year. We got to stay up late, chat, and had some laughs over silly things. But see, I think a year ago, I wouldn't have loved the opportunity. I think that I may have been too caught up in myself, my goals, my agenda. None of those things matter, our life is about loving God and loving people. And this was such a beautiful chance that we got to have Reza.

 We went to Madison for a little visit and packed lunches. We did most of what we planned, the farmers market, State Street, the gardens that I can't remember the name of... But I think the most rewarding part was handing out all the food that we brought for our lunch to the homeless. Eden, you were a little timid, and that's okay, I know what you're feeling. But the blessing from giving them food and them just smiling or saying "thank you" is phenomenal and out of this world.

 Another thing that's changed lately is grace. My grace, between you both. I find myself relying on God for patience when either of you test me and your response is incredible. When one of you wrongs the other, I've been having you apologize to the other and then say something kind. When all of that is said and done, you're usually both hugging and telling each other how much you love each other. It doesn't always play out like that, but a lot of times it does, and my heart just swells with joy.

 I think as a family, our goal in life is different. It's about people, loving people. That's really hard for me sometimes, as I don't consider myself a people person. I like to be alone, and think, and get things crossed off my list. But that list doesn't matter, people do.

 This is a silly picture but it's the only one I have to remember the day. I signed up at our church to be a guide for the Touched Twice clinic. It's a service to people in the community to give them medical, dental, and social help and if they want, spiritual help as well. So, I signed up to be a guide, me, a not-what-I-would-consider-people-person. And I got a family, with kids. I will never forget those kids as long as I live. It wasn't the most fun day of my life, and I had anxiety before it all began, I was so scared. But I helped someone, and though it wasn't like it was handing the food out to the homeless people, I knew I was being a help. See, I don't think that every time we serve we should expect our hearts to be filled, I don't think it's like that. Sometimes serving isn't pretty, but that's the whole idea.
It's humbling, and so healthy to put ourselves aside for a change and focus on others.

 Eden and Micah, I want me and daddy to be an example for you. I don't care if our lives are glamorous and glitzy, I'd take humble and serving any day over that. I'm so thankful for where God has grown us in this area, and it's the prayer of my heart that God will lead you the same way.
Love you more than life,
Mommy