A quote I love

Yesterday I went to my moms' group and loved it. I never really feel like going, but am always so glad that I did. There were two things that really stuck with me. One was "what sacrifices are you willing to make for your child?" I've been thinking a lot about this, and of course, time -for any mom is a great sacrifice, but I think I can do more. More teaching, more patience, more excitement, more silliness, I know I can do that.

The other thing that really hit a soft spot in my heart was this quote from Erma Bombeck:

"I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you’re both breathless…they crash…you add a longer tail…they hit the rooftop…you pluck them out of the spout. You patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they’ll fly.

 "Finally they are airborne, but they need more string and you keep letting it out. With each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy because the kite becomes more distant, and somehow you know that it won’t be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together and will soar as it was meant to soar…free and alone.

Only then do you know that you did your job."

I love that.
And I don't think I'll ever forget it.
It's a huge job, being a mom.
But it goes so fast, too fast.
Hold on, and enjoy the ride.

what I wore Wednesday

I'm linking up with The Pleated Poppy today for:

 I've been spending too much time in my comfy Boden sweatshirt lately, so here's to a cute outfit.

fisherman sweater: forever 21

flowered jeans: Free People

slouchy boots: Nine West Vintage America

and my glitzy earrings you can't see: Lauren Conrad from Kohl's

A little treat

Guess what? My etsy shop is up and running. Today only, and for blog readers (all two of you), I have a forty percent off coupon code. Enter the code BLOGREADER1 at checkout.
Happy shopping.

Christmas smells

I'm on a roll with blogging lately. I think it's because I've made a point to photograph our projects.

If you like Christmas smells, you'll absolutely love this. You'll need cinnamon sticks, sliced lemon, fresh cranberries, and cloves.

 I let my kids be very hands on for this, mainly because you boil it.

 So I let them lick, touch, and grab whatever they like.

 They put in all the ingredients.

And you're almost done. (See the wet cinnamon stick- that's from a kiddo's tongue). 

And lastly, pour in some water, so that your ingredients are covered.

And voila! you're done. Boil, then simmer. And enjoy Christmas smells throughout your home (or kitchen at least).

Really big smiles and a slime recipe

The kids and I didn't leave the house today. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with all I'd like to do and need to do, that I don't think I'll ever be able to leave the house and stay on top of it all.

I love doing projects with the kids, and do nearly every day.

Sometimes it's just coloring, and other times it involves many ingredients and is pretty messy.

For their sake, they love messy.

 Our library is amazing, and I highly recommend it to anyone who lives remotely close to me. They have craft grab bags and science kits available. All the ingredients are in it, which is so wonderful.

 Several weeks ago, Eden picked a slime kit. And finally today she requested it. I sometimes get a little intimidated by messiness, but kids thrive on that kind of stuff and seeing their joy... well, it makes me feel like I could care less about the mess.

 You'll need:
a bowl
a spoon
7.65 bottle of glue (we used Elmer's)
food coloring
1 tsp of borax
1/2 cup of water

The kids emptied the glue in a bowl. Next, fill the empty glue bottle with water, put the cap on and shake. Have them empty that in the same "glue" bowl.
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In a separate cup, combine your borax and 1/2 cup of water. Stir it a little.
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Put a couple of drops of food coloring in your "glue" bowl.
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Pour, a little at a time, the borax solution into the glue bowl. Don't pour it in all at once. (I think we only used half of the solution).
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Have fun

My week and Thanksgiving

This week was fabulous. I love that I can type that.

We had some friends over, I accomplished some little projects, hint, hint:

 and I focused my attention. One thing that's been so helpful to me, lately, and in all of my life is to keep a journal. This week I wrote down some goals that I wanted to accomplish, and what do you know, my etsy site is almost up and running. I feel proud of myself. I'm sure that it'll probably go something like every other time I've set up my etsy store, as in nothing sells. But that's okay, I had fun doing it.
Eden and I had a lot of plans this week. We made a Christmas chain, and we set up our nativity sets.

And I promised to set up some Christmas lights. This was no small task my friends. It was disastrous.

When I pulled out the wad of lights, and finally untangled them, I lost my footing and smashed the working lights with the crunch of my shoe. It was almost humorous. Then I got out our scary, shaky ladder and tried to hang our one working strand of icicle lights from the gutter above the garage.

Yeah, that didn't go so well either. So, we now have the sorriest display of Christmas lights you've probably ever seen out in our front yard.

But that's okay, the kids seem to think it's pretty cool.

And our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Eden kept breaking out in drama, being Mary, the mother of Jesus, and charming us all. It's really very adorable. And my mom made the. best. turkey. ever. It was so delicious.
But my favorite part about Thanksgiving is always when we go around the table and tell what we're thankful for. Tears well up in my eyes every year, and I love the little bond of intimacy it creates with those at the table. I know I have so much. So much, and I feel grateful all the time. I really do. But this year, I feel especially thankful for Mike. He's everything to me, and I love him more than anything.
Happy Post-Thanksgiving!

Another side of me

I think blog posts without pictures are boring.
This one is gonna be boring.
But maybe a little exciting.
I realized today that I never post anything on here about things I make, projects I'm working on, or crafts I do with the kids.
So, I'm going to.
And, I've been working like a crazy lady to get my etsy shop up and running again.
Soon.
And project posts soon.
Goodnight.

Transparency and Joy

If you couldn't tell, I didn't feel like writing that last post about "Walkies". I wish I wouldn't have. I know that sometimes in life, I need to do things out of obligation or duty, but a blog post, c'mon. I was just talking with Mike how I wish sometimes my personality didn't come across as strong, and by strong, I mean, I can't hide anything. If I'm not happy, you'd know it, and I feel like a reader could feel it in that last post.

My mind has been dealing and sorting through all of these thoughts that I have. I want to heal so badly and go on my merry, craft making, and room decorating way, but it's not happening like I want it to. None of this is how I wanted it to be.

I went to my mom Bible study this week and one of the ladies was just giving an example of a family member and how she had to keep saying to God "you make the decisions". I'm not sure why, but that brought me such peace. I find myself grabbing at this situation and I keep trying to take it back. I don't know what I think I can do about it, change it? Faith. This whole miscarriage is testing my faith. I need to hand the whole thing over and leave it at Jesus' feet. The. whole. thing.

 When I was out the other day, I heard that Plum song with the line "how many times can I say 'God, please take this'", at least I think those are the lyrics. It stuck with me. And that's what I've been trying to do. It sounds so simple and at times so silly, but I know in my heart it's how I need to heal.

 I have had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. My brain just can't shut off. I used to find that watching TV at 2a.m. helped with only subtitles, but I can't read them anymore. Must be that I'm aging quicker than I'd like. So I pray. And I visualize. My own little TV in my head, but with words, and quiet music. I ask God to be near me and to wrap His loving arms around me. And I visualize leaving all my brokenness, sadness, and worries in His hands. Letting go, so that joy can be present.

Being a mom has taught me so much. I know I write a lot about the things that my kids teach me on here. It's like living in a different world. But daily, I adore their joy and their transparency. This post is probably more than I'd normally share, but I don't want to be shallow, and I don't want to write posts that don't mean anything to me. This is life. Sometimes it's messy, but it's always beautiful.

Walkies

One day, I think in September, the front of our house exploded with box elder bugs. Thousands, if not tens of thousands. I don't think we were yet living here last year when this bug explosion happened, but it's sort of turned into a hobby for this boy. Like his hair? or should I say lack thereof?

Daily, Micah looks for walkies. They're usually found in every room of the house, climbing the walls or walking across the carpet. It's not  a rare site to see Micah pull a chair up to a wall and try to reach five feet above his head to catch one.

 It's his lucky day when they're walking on the carpet, those are an easy catch. He holds them, often too tight and invites them into his little play routine.

 This is a "smile" face for Micah. So, Mike and I no longer do anything with the "walkies". They're everywhere, but it's this little boy's new favorite pastime.

Fine by me.

A smile

 The past couple of weeks have been hard. Really hard.
There are good days and there are bad days. Days that I have to guard my heart and mind so much, I feel like I'm saying Bible verses constantly in my head.
And yet, I'm moving on. Eden's back in dance class, the kids are back in library group, household activities have resumed, and the chores are endless.
I read a blog the other day that the lady talked about going through hard times. She talked about how it seems so unbearable, and yet, it's the sweetest place to be when you're talking with God and begging for his mercy and grace. I agree.
She talked about how when we move on, we leave that place with God and we move on with life and then our life fills up with all this other stuff, instead of God. I already feel this. I have moments of weakness and times of great sorrow still, but I miss God already. I miss pleading with Him to be near to me.
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This picture made me smile. Isn't he beautiful? even with his finger in his nose? I had to chop his hair. It makes me really sad when I see pictures like this of his hair. Man, he's got it good when it comes to hair.
So, Mike and I kept commenting about how his hair was always in his eyes, it was. Not just little wisps either, like full-fledge in his eyes. And people started commenting in public about him and calling him a "girl", not in a mean way, just as in a "his hair is so long, it must be a girl".

Several days before our nightmare happened, I sat him down and tried to cut his hair. He thrashed, and when I say thrashed, I mean thrashed. I'm not exaggerating. He threw himself around the bathroom. When I finished his "haircut", he looked....ummm.....different. It wasn't good. So I buzzed it.
I'll post some new pictures this week, I've been avoiding my iphoto because of some pictures I took with the kids announcing the pregnancy. When I cross that mental hurdle, I'll post some new pictures. I also repainted their playroom. It's cute. And, just for a little extra pat on the back, I picked some month old cookie crisp off the door frame today.
Happy Monday.

Quiet

It's Saturday morning and I'm up alone. Thinking about God, comfort, and trials. Yesterday felt like a better day. I kept thinking about Mike and I, and our story. How we came to be us. And God brought me so much peace through that. I'll have to write a post on it sometime, but I was engaged to someone else before Mike. It didn't work. I thought it was so devastating, my life felt broken.
I've often referred to that time in my life as one of the best because of how close I was to God. He was the only one I needed, and I relied on him through those terribly lonely days. I can't imagine looking back on losing our baby and saying that same thing, but it's kind of the prayer of my heart. Just that God would draw so near to me.
It's really hard for me talk, physically, about all that's happened. I've been writing every spare minute I have and yesterday I was writing about the thing that brings me the greatest comfort. It's when I feel so alone, I beg God to let me just feel Him holding me in the palm of His hand. That's how I've been falling asleep, with tears too of course, just praying that over and over.

This was Mike, Eden and I just a week ago. We were going to a halloween/murder mystery party at some friends house. The picture makes me smile, and little things like that are what I need.

So sad

I'm dreading writing this post.
We were pregnant and lost our baby. We found out on Tuesday at our twelve week appointment. I can honestly say I've never been more sad in my whole life. Just this morning, I lost it in our bedroom. I went in there to get dressed and found myself in a heap on the floor. The wave of sadness was so great, I started to throw up. I've never felt that physical pain from an emotional hurt before. It hurts bad.
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There were things about this pregnancy that were off. I was so sick. So sick, I often felt like I was dying, it was beyond pregnancy sickness. My stomach was small. I had tight pants for a week, and then they weren't tight anymore. I'm not that type of pregnant person. I get big and I gain a lot of weight, and this wasn't like that.
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Tuesday morning I woke up from a sound sleep because of an awful dream. I dreamt that I started bleeding and when I went to my appointment that afternoon, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. When I woke up from the dream, I went to the bathroom making sure that it was only a dream and told Mike when he woke up. I'll never forget that dream.
Our day carried on, Mike went to work. The kids and I were about to start on a project but I had to run and get something out of the basement. It was flooded. I called Mike and he was insistent on coming home. I told him it was up to him but I knew I could take care of it. He came home and he went to my appointment with me and the kids.
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That's when that awful dream came true. No heartbeat. I've never felt an emotional pain physically hurt until then. Mike lost it in the doctor's office and I lost it out in the parking lot. I feel like I haven't pulled it together since. The pain is so intense and it's just so sad. I find myself longing for heaven in a way I never have before.
I want my baby back.
I don't want to feel this way.
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Then I have these moments, they happen all the time actually. These moments where I look at Eden and Micah and, although I don't think it's possible, I feel like I love them more.

When they hug me, I pull them in tighter and kiss their head an extra time. Such gifts. Eden fell asleep in my arms last night after I watched her play with a friends baby. I loved seeing my friend, but it made me sad. I wanted her to be playing with our baby in 6 months.
I know that time is really the only thing that can heal this and God is the only one who can comfort.
The God part brings me such peace.
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The way the whole day went on Tuesday, God totally led Mike home. Mike needed to be here, and He made that happen. I'm blessed. I know I am. God has given me much.
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"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future". Jeremiah 29:11
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So, we try to move forward. Knowing that I will always carry this sadness and always have that longing for heaven, those thoughts will never leave me.