Today

today is mother's day.

i think i thought about it more this year than in other years gone by.

perhaps it's because the mess in this house is just atrocious.

and i'm not exaggerating.

i was picking up rocks in the house,

not gravel, not sand, full size rocks.

i cleaned off the table last night that hasn't been cleaned since wednesday,

and i can't even get to my hoard of a laundry pile without stepping on ten dress up outfits and four trucks. it's pretty bad.

but i get to do it.

i get to be a mom.

 i think i thought about it more this week because it's almost the one year birthday of our baby.

the one we didn't get to hold.

the one i didn't get to spoil, and cuddle, and dote on.

and it makes me think about all the other hurting hearts out there.

the ones whose stories didn't end up how mine did.

the ones who have that ache in their heart and empty hands.

even though i don't think my house has ever been a bigger mess,

i'm glad.

i get to be a mom, and i get to have this mess,

and i get to have my arms full of a chubby little boy,

and very close by there's a little girls who always loves to be touching, 

and a three year old who's testing my patience.

my story isn't over, but it's come out so happy.

my ache in my heart is still there, but my arms are full.

praying for all those who are aching today, for those who are desperate to be mamas.

Break's over

My blogging break is over and I'm glad. I miss writing, recapping my memories of the sweet and sour things that fill our days and time. I love looking back, seeing the places we've come from and where we're headed.

I keep telling Mike that I need to make that sign I see everywhere "the days are long, the years are short". So true. When I think about our day to day, not much changes. Eden loves dress up, rolling her eyes, noodles, Ezra, high heels, dolls, and Frozen. Micah loves Spiderman, whales, riding his bike, clothes, bad guys, blue and Ezra. Ezra loves to sleep at night, milk, his thumb, to pull out his hair on the side of his head, and grunting.
It seems like they've loved those things forever. Yet Eden's not obsessed with tapirs anymore and Micah can now say "washcloth". Ezra doesn't sleep all the time, and now is starting to laugh. So much changes, but in the day to day, it seems so long.

What a treat to watch it before my very eyes. To witness their little lives unfold, to watch the stages come and go. Man, I'm blessed.

Her

Eden's had a hard time since Ezra's come along. She has her sweet moments, but the sassiness has reached an all time high and a new game has been put into play--manipulation. It drives me crazy! Most days I can handle it though. I either ignore it or tell her that such things just aren't true. It depends on how much I feel like talking. When I'm tired though, I believe her. I get so discouraged in my parenting and feel like it's a reflection of me as her mom. I believe the lies.
When I went to mom's group this past Thursday, one of the mom's shared a little story that she'd gotten in an email. It goes:

It was advertised that the devil was putting his tools up for sale. When the day of the

sale came, each tool was priced and laid out for public inspection. And what a collection

it was. Hatred, envy, jealousy, deceit or pride…the inventory was treacherous. Off to one

side was a harmless-looking tool priced higher than all the rest, even though it was

obviously more worn than any other tool the devil owned. “What’s the name of this tool?”

asked one of the customers. “That,” the devil replied, “is discouragement.”

The customer asked, “But why have you priced it so high?” The devil smiled and

explained, “Because discouragement is more useful to me than all the others.

I can pry open and get inside a man’s heart with that tool when I can’t get near

him with any other. It’s badly worn because I use it on almost everyone, since so

few people know it belongs to me.

I love this. After sharing some of these hardships with my mom and with Mike, we all concluded that Eden needed some extra attention. My spirit was willing but my flesh was so weak on this one. I love time to myself, or time to do projects. But selflessness is my calling as a mother.
On Saturday morning around 6, we were all up. I told her at about 6:10 that her and I were going to spend a little time together, just the two of us. I think she was ready to go at 6:11. We went to the coffee shop right down the road, perhaps two or three blocks away. She ordered a hot chocolate and a chocolate chip cookie the size of our dinner plates. We sat, we talked, and I cried.
She is so precious to me, my beautiful girl. I love the sparkle in her eyes, and the joy she exudes. She's a contagious person. I sat there, taking her all in. Thinking how could I've been so silly not to see that she needs this so bad. She needs just me sometimes. My time, my energy, my touch, all uninterrupted. It was good.
So good.
We decided to make these little coffee dates a regular thing in our week. Saturday mornings.
I'm looking forward to it.

*photo taken by my friend Julie

Losing it...in a good way

As a joke, I always tell people that I get dumber as a mom as the years go by.

My days are spent reading children's books and I enjoy the mindlessness of coloring.

Finding the perfect play dough recipe is not something I ever thought I'd spend time on, 

though dressing dolls or building with blocks were never on that list either.

My intellectual abilities may not be increasing, that much I can say.

 BUT, in parenting, I have never learned so much spiritually.

I've never sought God so much, relied on God so much, and been dependent on God 

like I have in parenting.

I've been learning a lot lately too.

 Nothing I haven't heard before, but it's penetrating a different part of my heart.

Like 'Am I loving my kids like God loves me?'

Am I showing them kindness, grace, long-suffering, and gentleness?

Yeesh! 

I've got a long way to go, such a long way to go.

 And every day, I've been beginning my prayer life a little different.

Not just "Jesus, help me today",

but "God, help me to walk in the Spirit".

 So, maybe I'm losing it, by "it" I mean my I.Q., but I think I'm learning to lose myself.

These little ones are teaching me to let go of my selfishness

even though I try so hard to hang onto it.

I can't walk in the Spirit and be selfish at the same time.

Then losing it, is definitely a good thing.

Ezra Leif

I feel like this is a story I tear up at just when I think about it.

It's a story that began almost two years ago.

A miscarriage, a molar pregnancy, and probably almost a hundred doctor appointments in between and after, we got pregnant with Ezra.

A healthy pregnancy is something I will never take for granted.

The yearning and desire that goes along with that is something

that can't be expressed in words.

All of Ezra's pregnancy, I was so thankful but fearful.

Leary about all of the what if's that could possibly happen because they

had in the past. I took each day as it came.

Some were so much harder emotionally than others.

And then, Friday morning, reality really hit.

I woke up at 5 a.m. with a strong contraction, and woke Mike 

right away.

I called my mom, and tried to get dressed for nearly thirty minutes.

We got to the hospital at 6, and Ezra was born at 7:30.

They laid him on me, and I felt frozen in time.

I was shocked, stunned, and so in love.

I will never, in all my life forget that feeling.

That relief.

That reality.

That answered prayer.

Laying on me,

breathing,

thriving,

and so beautiful.

There is nothing that compares to the birth of a child.

My opinion of course, I guess these little people do a number on me.

My baby is two days old.

I'm in awe,

a little shock,

and emotional.

  

This journey, the one we've been on for what seems like so long,

it's really begun.

Really begun.

My hormonal perspective

I can't decide if I haven't felt inspiration lately 

or if its consumed me.

My energy level isn't what it normally is, 

and with a baby due in ten days, 

I'm sure it's normal.

We've had more mother-daughter and mother-son talks 

in the last month than I think we've had the whole year. 

My body is so tired, 

so sore and hurting,

 but I'm savoring the moments at hand.

Our days in the house seem so long, 

the fighting seems incessant,

tattling keeps coming though I ignore it,

Micah still jumps off everything imaginable,

and Eden thinks she's a parent.

Micah throws temper tantrums and seems to cry at everything, 

and Eden has a mouth on her that flings me into the future by ten years.

But, I'm in love.

I'm in love with Micah and will never tire of drying his tears.

And I'm in love with Eden and can't wait for her hug after she realizes she's done wrong and she goes on like nothing ever happened.

I'm relishing the moments.

Some of my last with only two kids.

Where we squeeze on the love seat and read books for an hour,

or bake something out of the blue.

I love how we do devotions in the morning 

and pray together while I hold and rub their little hands.

I love how we're close, all day.

I love how the library is part of our weekly routine

and how Eden loves pajama days.

I love how the kids look forward to their sibling

saying they want a brother one day and a sister the next.

I love how they talk about the baby

and what their little roles will be.

And I especially love to watch their face 

when I put their little hand on my tummy and they feel the movement.

Winter kind of seems like a boot camp for behavior.

We're stuck with each other, in a small space, and we learn to thrive with each other.

It seems like life is easier in the summer.

Like the sunshine puts that extra skip in our step,

and we're humming or singing to everything we do.

But this is different, 

and I know we go through it every year.

I'm not complaining, 

because it means being with two little people 

that I love uncontrollably day in and day out. 

I get to learn them better. 

And I get to study them more.

I know what will follow certain looks.

I learn new things that excite them.

I anticipate what emotions are coming,

and there's growth, all around.

This winter, so far, I've watched them become best friends.

I've watched them miss each other when one is gone for minutes,

and I've thanked God for answering that prayer.

We have our days

and we definitely have our moments.

But even the not so great moments equal up to incredible days,

because I got to see it, I got to experience it, I got to be a part of it.

And that, I wouldn't trade for anything.

Not anything in the world.

Virtues and naughtiness

Wow. It's been so long since I've blogged.

I've missed it, but it never seems to fit into the day.

Between homeschooling, and kicking things into a pile on the floor 

so I only have to bend once, I'm tired. 

I've got six more weeks of pregnancy, and I'm just struggling for normalcy every day.

I'm huge, and that's not my personal opinion, it's everyone's.

People are nice when they think you're due in the next day or two,

so that part is fine with me.

Life has been good though.

So good.

I look back on where we were last year, and my heart just swells with gratitude.

So thankful to God that we can look back and say that we grew through it all.

But onto these little ones:

Eden's maturing.

Obviously.

But it's so cool as a parent to watch things progress, to watch as thoughts sink in.

She cried at her first movie last week, and also decided she was ready to have her ears pierced.

She gives her little brother portions of her dessert because she "really wants to be nice",

and has told me lately that I'm beautiful though I feel anything but.

Today she helped Micah get on his shoes when I had no patience and just walked away, she rubbed his back and spoke kind, gentle words to him.

Teaching me and showing me how I should've responded instead of how I did.

It's amazing.

Life's not always peachy by any means, and we have our fair share of issues around here.

But the good is so abundant and I can't remember a day lately where I haven't cried tears of joy

over the blessings God has given me (yes, that's probably hormones). 

Micah's been sweet lately too.

 He's pretty emotional, and at times, it seems to get the best of him.

Today, though, I cried on the way home from the store.

We were in an aisle, I was looking for the perfect snack.

Another lady came along, ordinary from the outside. 

Lately we've been talking a lot around here about how people are beautiful no matter how we see them.

How God made every person and He made them beautiful

I never know if Micah's listening, but apparently he is.

This lady walked down the aisle, perusing just as we were.

Micah looked at her and said "You are so beautiful".

The lady looked like she might cry, and then I thought I might (those hormones, I'm telling you).

She said, "I've just had the worst day, and you made it so much better."

My heart just soared.

My little boy teaching me.

Just to keep things real though, about ten minutes earlier, he was throwing the fit of a life time.

I love it.

I'm blessed beyond anything I could've ever imagined.

I think that thought often as I hear "mommy" called out by little voices.

Micah thinks I don't have any other name than that.

I love it.